The beginning was treacherous and I wasn't very good at it. Sometimes I still act like I forgot all that I learned. Ask my boyfriend! Most of the time I can extract something from what I am working through.
What I want to pinpoint right now is vulnerability. This is inspired by Brene Brown since I'm listening to her book Rising Strong. Vulnerability is still scary sometimes. At times I want to shut my doors and not talk to anyone. This hits me after a blog post a lot because I am taking a leap of faith. I share my insides with the internet world and wonder what people are thinking. Is anyone reading this? Can people relate or are they thinking this girl is wacko? But then I pull myself up and venture to do it again.
I wanted to be a do gooder from a young age. So many lofty goals; like opening up free clinics and flying around the world. My ideas were constantly being questioned as a kid. I kept dreaming but then they got dimmer. Growing up in an alcoholic home there was trauma and drama constantly. I also lost my childhood because I was expected to help with my sister and brother at the age of nine. Trauma ensued from many sides and made life seem daunting.
Then the tsunami took me under when my mom was killed by a drunk driver. The record played over and over "Nobody cares about you any more." There was a power struggle with my dad since he thought I was going to steal my sister and brother after my mom was gone. It wasn't exactly a great environment to be vulnerable in.
Then the saga continued once I was old enough to drink. Putting myself in the wrong kind of vulnerable situations. It was all to numb out!
I found a boy that treated me like a burden and was most likely an alcoholic. I was infatuated with him but it was because I was looking for validation which he could never give. This person was incapable proving the point again and again to myself that I was unlovable, wasn't cool enough and just plan inadequate. I ended up finding another one of these after I let this relationship go but upgraded to an addict. Finding myself in uncomfortable situations. Torn because I felt like I was always living a double life. I wasn't in alignment with who I wanted to be.
I found myself being vulnerable to the wrong people. The people that took advantage of it and ripped it to shreds. These people were a gift. They helped me realize I was the common denominator and it was time to look within. The last boyfriend brought me to the point where I realized I didn't love myself. I could do all this helping for others and trying to pick up their messes only to find I was the true mess.
There are many stories and details from these times in my life but we would be here for days. And ain't nobody got time for that. (I have to bring a little lightness to this subject.)
I needed to heal. The pain was deep. These guys were a reflection of how I valued myself. Which proved I didn't value myself very highly. How did the healing start? And the healing is still going on because a lifetime of hurt isn't healed magically. Here we are back at vulnerability. That is where the healing started. I embraced a group called Al-anon. It is even a little scary to say that because Al-anon is my sacred place. Never have I been in a room with so many people that are trying to better themselves and who share so much love for one another even if they don't really know each other. It is a place I can say my story with out judgement, shock, shame or horror. Then I am greeted with love. We all get the opportunity to find our sacred place; a place where we feel safe enough to share our trials and be accepted. I know everybody has a different place that provides this kind of space.
At first I hated it. Why did I have to go to a self-help group when all these other people were the problem? What was swirling inside me was such darkness and shame. In turn I attracted these people in my life.
I had to unlock the demons.
Even as I think about these times in my life I can feel the tightness in my chest. It was a time that little light came through. Life definitely isn't easy and can be downright overwhelming. Breaking open these feelings creates a tornado. I couldn't find the ground for a long time but eventually the tornado spit me out. I crawled out only to be blinded by the sun and wonder if I'd ever be all right.
I share these things with you because I hope that you find people that hold your vulnerability as a honor. You get the opportunity to be who you are and wade through the muck only to be loved more for it.
My story is now a story. I don't define myself by who I was but know that it helped build me to be who I am. It is helps me relate to other peoples strife and to hold a place of compassion. Each of these opportunities helped me be ready for the amazing man I met six and a half years ago.
I do suggest being choosy about the people you show your vulnerability to because not everyone is safe to be like that with. I do support you letting down your guard with the right people because it holds beauty beyond belief. Our journeys are magical even when they look so dingy. Step out on that ledge and let the defenses down. It's what we all have been looking for.
Spring Roll Unwrapped
We bring our stories with us just like the peanut sauce but many other ingredients go into it to make it a truly delicious and nutritious meal. We may bring our battered disheartened past with us but we are not our stories. Our stories give us flavor and awaken our delicious lives however they are not all we are. We are so much more! Let your life awaken with the beauty that makes up all of you.
1 8.8 ounce package of Rice Noodles
2 spring onions, sliced
1 avocado, cut in chunks
3-4 medium carrots, shredded
2 cups of mushrooms, sliced
1-2 Tablespoon of sesame oil
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 teaspoon of grated ginger
1/4 cup of roasted peanuts, chopped
1/4 cup of cilantro, chopped
3/4-1 cup of peanut sauce (recipe is on Passion & Flowery Spring Rolls)
1. Bring a pot of water to boil. (You can use a tea kettle or pot you are just going to pour it over the noodles not boil the noodles). Get a large bowl and put all the noodles in it. Once water starts boiling pour over noodles. Make sure they are all submerged under the water. If you bought the thin vermicelli noodles they only need to be in the boiling water for a few minutes to prevent them from getting mushy. If you bought the flat noodles (which I used for this dish but both work) they can take upwards of ten minutes. Check them every few minutes to see if they are done and mix them to prevent them from sticking together. Once soft drain and put in a bowl. Then pour the peanut sauce over them and mix.
2. Slice your mushrooms, mince 2 garlic cloves and grate ginger. Put a sauce pan on medium heat and add 1 Tablespoon of sesame oil. Add mushrooms and cook for 2-3 minutes until they become a soft and a little brown. Add garlic and ginger cook for 1-2 minutes. Set aside.
3. Here is the heavy chopping time. Slice the spring onions. Cut the avocado into chunks. Shredded the carrots. Chop the peanuts and mince the cilantro.
4. Add all the ingredients to the bowl with the noodles in peanut sauce. I arranged the carrots, mushrooms, avocado and onions around the bowl like a pinwheel. Then sprinkle the peanuts and cilantro on top. You can mix it up once it time to be served. Voila! Beauty in a bowl.
Enjoy this dish! Contemplate all the stories that have made you the person you are today and dip your toe in the juicy waters of vulnerability you won't be disappointed.
I would love to hear any comments from you. Tell me your stories or how vulnerability has helped you. Maybe how telling your stories has broken the power it has over you. And of course I'd love to hear what you think about the recipe!