I have the reflection bug. Obviously my posts are about reflection intertwined with nourishing the body. I believe and teach my clients that to have a healthy body you also have to work on the mind. I've been lucky enough to have been working on myself for the past nine years. I've been digging deep and finally reaping some amazing benefits.

The beginning was treacherous and I wasn't very good at it. Sometimes I still act like I forgot all that I learned. Ask my boyfriend! Most of the time I can extract something from what I am working through.

What I want to pinpoint right now is vulnerability. This is inspired by Brene Brown since I'm listening to her book Rising Strong. Vulnerability is still scary sometimes. At times I want to shut my doors and not talk to anyone. This hits me after a blog post a lot because I am taking a leap of faith. I share my insides with the internet world and wonder what people are thinking. Is anyone reading this? Can people relate or are they thinking this girl is wacko? But then I pull myself up and venture to do it again.

I wanted to be a do gooder from a young age. So many lofty goals; like opening up free clinics and flying around the world. My ideas were constantly being questioned as a kid. I kept dreaming but then they got dimmer. Growing up in an alcoholic home there was trauma and drama constantly. I also lost my childhood because I was expected to help with my sister and brother at the age of nine. Trauma ensued from many sides and made life seem daunting.

Then the tsunami took me under when my mom was killed by a drunk driver. The record played over and over "Nobody cares about you any more." There was a power struggle with my dad since he thought I was going to steal my sister and brother after my mom was gone. It wasn't exactly a great environment to be vulnerable in.

  Then the saga continued once I was old enough to drink. Putting myself in the wrong kind of vulnerable situations. It was all to numb out!

I found a boy that treated me like a burden and was most likely an alcoholic. I was infatuated with him but  it was because I was looking for validation which he could never give. This person was incapable proving the point again and again to myself that I was unlovable, wasn't cool enough and just plan inadequate. I ended up finding another one of these after I let this relationship go but upgraded to an addict. Finding myself in uncomfortable situations. Torn because I felt like I was always living a double life. I wasn't in alignment with who I wanted to be.

I found myself being vulnerable to the wrong people. The people that took advantage of it and ripped it to shreds. These people were a gift. They helped me realize I was the common denominator and it was time to look within. The last boyfriend brought me to the point where I realized I didn't love myself. I could do all this helping for others and trying to pick up their messes only to find I was the true mess.

There are many stories and details from these times in my life but we would be here for days. And ain't nobody got time for that. (I have to bring a little lightness to this subject.)

I needed to heal. The pain was deep. These guys were a reflection of how I valued myself. Which proved I didn't value myself very highly. How did the healing start? And the healing is still going on because a lifetime of hurt isn't healed magically. Here we are back at vulnerability. That is where the healing started. I embraced a group called Al-anon. It is even a little scary to say that because Al-anon is my sacred place. Never have I been in a room with so many people that are trying to better themselves and who share so much love for one another even if they don't really know each other. It is a place I can say my story with out judgement, shock, shame or horror. Then I am greeted with love. We all get the opportunity to find our sacred place; a place where we feel safe enough to share our trials and be accepted. I know everybody has a different place that provides this kind of space.

At first I hated it. Why did I have to go to a self-help group when all these other people were the problem? What was swirling inside me was such darkness and shame. In turn I attracted these people in my life.

                 I had to unlock the demons.

Even as I think about these times in my life I can feel the tightness in my chest. It was a time that little light came through. Life definitely isn't easy and can be downright overwhelming. Breaking open these feelings creates a tornado. I couldn't find the ground for a long time but eventually the tornado spit me out. I crawled out only to be blinded by the sun and wonder if I'd ever be all right.

I share these things with you because I hope that you find people that hold your vulnerability as a honor. You get the opportunity to be who you are and wade through the muck only to be loved more for it.

My story is now a story. I don't define myself by who I was but know that it helped build me to be who I am. It is helps me relate to other peoples strife and to hold a place of compassion. Each of these opportunities helped me be ready for the amazing man I met six and a half years ago.

I do suggest being choosy about the people you show your vulnerability to because not everyone is safe to be like that with. I do support you letting down your guard with the right people because it holds beauty beyond belief. Our journeys are magical even when they look so dingy. Step out on that ledge and let the defenses down. It's what we all have been looking for.

 This recipe accompanies my last post because I had so much peanut sauce leftover that I needed something to do with it. So here we are. (If you need  the peanut sauce recipe you can find it on my post Passion & Flowery Spring Rolls) Also, I love how it fits into the theme of this post.

We bring our stories with us just like the peanut sauce but many other ingredients go into it to make it a truly delicious and nutritious meal. We may bring our battered disheartened past with us but we are not our stories. Our stories give us flavor and awaken our delicious lives however they are not all we are. We are so much more! Let your life awaken with the beauty that makes up all of you.

Ingredients:
1 8.8 ounce package of Rice Noodles
2 spring onions, sliced
1 avocado, cut in chunks
3-4 medium carrots, shredded
2 cups of mushrooms, sliced
1-2 Tablespoon of sesame oil
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 teaspoon of grated ginger
1/4 cup of roasted peanuts, chopped
1/4 cup of cilantro, chopped
3/4-1 cup of peanut sauce (recipe is on Passion & Flowery Spring Rolls)

Instructions:
1. Bring a pot of water to boil. (You can use a tea kettle or pot you are just going to pour it over the noodles not boil the noodles). Get a large bowl and put all the noodles in it. Once water starts boiling pour over noodles. Make sure they are all submerged under the water.  If you bought the thin vermicelli noodles they only need to be in the boiling water for a few minutes to prevent them from getting mushy. If you bought the flat noodles (which I used for this dish but both work) they can take upwards of ten minutes. Check them every few minutes to see if they are done and mix them to prevent them from sticking together. Once soft drain and put in a bowl. Then pour the peanut sauce over them and mix.

2. Slice your mushrooms, mince 2 garlic cloves and grate ginger. Put a sauce pan on medium heat and add 1 Tablespoon of sesame oil. Add mushrooms and cook for 2-3 minutes until they become a soft and a little brown. Add garlic and ginger cook for 1-2 minutes. Set aside.

3. Here is the heavy chopping time. Slice the spring onions. Cut the avocado into chunks. Shredded the carrots. Chop the peanuts and mince the cilantro.

4. Add all the ingredients to the bowl with the noodles in peanut sauce. I arranged the carrots, mushrooms, avocado and onions around the bowl like a pinwheel. Then sprinkle the peanuts and cilantro on top. You can mix it up once it time to be served. Voila! Beauty in a bowl.

Enjoy this dish! Contemplate all the stories that have made you the person you are today and dip your toe in the juicy waters of vulnerability you won't be disappointed.

I would love to hear any comments from you. Tell me your stories or how vulnerability has helped you. Maybe how telling your stories has broken the power it has over you. And of course I'd love to hear what you think about the recipe!

Finding sanctuary in my inner world. That is what writing is to me. A place I feel empowered and feel inspired. From a young age I wanted to be a writer. I remembered this bunny book I made when I was in grade school. I felt so accomplished and loved it. I wrote more "books" but through the years I lost sight of that dream. I started believing other people knew what was best for me. I lost touch of what I wanted. I lost touch of what made my fire inside flicker with orange and red sparks.

Writing did provide comfort for me in hard times. When my mom died my journals rescued me from the world I no longer desired. My journals were haunted with intense feelings and struggling against my reality. I moved through that time with my journals being my therapist. They never judged me or made me feel ashamed. I could write my most daunting thoughts down and my journal would absorb them keeping them secret. It was my sanctuary away from my reality. Time passed and feelings changed. I can thank the act of writing for helping me make sense of my feelings.

My journals would come to rescue me when hard realities hit me like a jolt of lightning. I hadn't given being a writer a second thought since being a kid then a few people started telling me I had a way with words. The idea of writing started fluttering through my thoughts. I remember what solace it provided me before and how it filled me with excitement. That is how I embarked on this adventure of writing my own blog.

I still feel weird calling myself a writer. In my mind I think I'm not a writer I haven't publish anything yet or have a small group of followers right now but I do write. Perhaps I'm a writer? A friend of mine was telling me I'm a writer and I thought I guess I am. That is a great feeling. No matter where you are at in your passion claim the name because you already are there.

Shouldn't we all be lucky enough to do what we love? Yes! Today and any day are the opportunity to pursue what makes your heart sing. Sometimes we get lost in what the world, our parents, our friends tell us to do. We believe they know what we need to do. I know I did. When we listen to what other people envision our life should be it becomes a task. It is like wading through a thick marsh. Every step develops into a struggle and the path ahead looks bleak. You look to the sky and scream with frustration, "is this all there is?"

One day the path becomes solid and you see a better way. Maybe somebody sees your talent when you can't. You take a class that brings your talents to the surface. You could be reflecting on what your childhood dreams were and it dawns on you. This is my life's passion. Let it crack open and flow out. Your passion is your gift to yourself and the world. We can relish in our talents even if it something we do after work, we stay up into the wee hours to do, or only get to do on the weekends. It is something that makes our life path blossom with flowers bringing a rainbow to our world.

Now is the time to bring those passions alive whatever they are. Give yourself permission to relish in your passion and make time for it in your life. If you are still in search of what it is reflect back to when you were a child and you had so many dreams. Listen to when other people give you compliments on. What captivates your attention and makes the world melt away? That could be it. I encourage you to find your passion. You will find giving time to your passion enhances the rest of your life.

These were inspired from a yoga day I went to. The Great Kosmic Kitchen made spring rolls with pansies and I thought that is amazing. Also, oh so beautiful.

I used Cookie and Kate's recipe for the peanut sauce! I ended up using the peanut sauce for a rice noodle dish later since I had some left over. It is great if you have some left over too. Thanks for the inspiration both of you guys!

These are so fun and easy to make. The presentation is dazzling with colors! Eating and making beautiful food is one of my passions! (I love combining my passions together.) These are definitely something to impress your guests with.

Ingredients:

A package of spring roll wrappers/rice pancakes
1 cup of frondosa mushrooms or whatever you like, chopped
1 cup of cremini mushrooms, chopped
1 cucumber, cut into spears
3-4 carrots depending on size, cut into spears
2 cups of sunflower sprouts
1-2 avocados
1 cup of pansies
1/4 minced cilantro
1/4-1/2 cup of rice vinegar
1-2 teaspoons of tamari
1 tablespoon of sesame oil
1 garlic clove, minced
1/2 teaspoon of grated ginger
*You'll also need a bowl of warm water and damp tea towel

Instructions:
1. I like to cut up the carrots and cucumber first then put in long shallow dish so that they are all laid flat. Then pour over the rice vinegar (suggest starting with the 1/4 cup and add enough to cover them). These should marinate while you make the mushrooms and get the rest of the ingredients ready.

2. Chop mushrooms. Put sesame oil in a pan and turn heat to medium. Add mushrooms. Cook till most of the water is gone 4-5 minutes. Then add 1 teaspoon of tamari (more if you like), garlic and ginger. Mix and cook for 2 minutes. Set aside to cool.

3. Assembly time! You want to have your ingredients close by so you can easily put them in the wraps. Get a bowl large enough to fit a rice paper in and add warm water. Dampen a tea towel and put it over your cutting board or counter. Place a piece of rice paper in the water till soft and pliable about 15-20 seconds. Remove and gently lay on the tea towel. Lay 3 pansies face down on the rice paper. Then add a couple slices of cucumber, carrots, a tablespoon of mushrooms (or more), slice or two of avocado and sprouts on top of pansies. Sprinkle cilantro over top. Remember to not over fill it as it because it makes it hard to roll up. (I've done this many times.) Fold bottoms in like a burrito and roll up. Repeat. Serve immediately. This should make 10-12 spring rolls.

Peanut Sauce
Ingredients:
3/4 cup of creamy peanut butter
1/4 cup rice vinegar
1/4 cup of water
1/3 cup reduced sodium tamari or reduced sodium soy sauce
3 tablespoons honey
1 1/2 teaspoons grated fresh ginger or 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1 medium garlic cloves, pressed or minced
1/2-1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes, depending on preference
1 tablespoon of chopped roasted peanuts for garnish

Instructions:
In a medium size bowl mix all the ingredients  together except the peanuts. If the sauce is too thick add additional water to thin it out.

Serve with flowery spring rolls. There will most likely be some peanut sauce left over so use it as a dipping sauce for vegetables, make more spring rolls, or throw over rice noodles.

I love this in the summer time because it is cool, refreshing and visually appealing meal. Experiment with different ingredients in the rolls. I would love to hear what you think or all the variations you experimented with!

The journey of accepting myself is interwoven with many twists and turns and sometimes nearly falling of the side of a cliff. It isn't always easy which seems counter intuitive; shouldn't we be able to love ourselves just as we are? We are bombarded daily with the idea that something is wrong with us. Commercials tap into are weakest spot to encourage us to buy their product, people growing up might of told us things that made us question who we are, we could of been bullied which chopped down our sapling of self-esteem and the saddest part we believed them.

One of my biggest obstacles to accepting myself has been my skin. My skin is what launched me into my exploration of nutrition which I'll get into later. Once I hit puberty my skin started to set off blasts of irritation that turned into unsightly pimples. My already tender self-esteem was slowly widdled down. I have vivid memories of being bullied in sixth grade. I had changed schools and was definitely in an awkward what is happening to my body phase. There is one memory that stands out. We were on the bus getting ready to go on our sixth grade trip and I was already disappointed I wasn't going with my former school. There was the roaring of chatter ringing through out the bus and I was talking with my friend to the left of me. A boy in the seat in front of me turned around and called me pizza face. I was shocked and didn't know what to do. I just took it in. I became more and more ashamed of my skin over the years. In my bedroom I would come home from school put sunglasses on and look at myself in the mirror. This would help blur out my rupturing skin and I would pretend I was beautiful for a while. I fantasize what it would be like to feel like that in real life.

I tried many things to help my skin. Antibiotics, accutane, retin-A, proactive and the list goes on and on. Some would help for a while but then I was back to the same old thing. I even had a nurse that told me, "you'll never have clear skin." Disappointing and so inappropriate. One day I came upon an article that was about a clear skin diet. I was intrigued. I tried it, I noticed a difference. Then I had a tragedy in my life and wove off the track. Then through the years nutrition was brought back into my life. Living in Maui I was surround by beauty, fresh foods and many healthy living people. I came back to the main land and found myself interested in a local holistic nutrition school which I followed with a couple more nutrition schools. My interest was sparked. My skin would go in and out of breakouts. People have their opinions what my skin needs which became daunting. So here comes the acceptance.

I still sometimes have breakouts but what I've realized is maybe accepting myself just as I am will heal my skin. This may sound like silly woo woo stuff but I think there is some truth to it. Over the years I think I've taken all the tall tales I've heard from others and been ashamed. Also, I think apart of me has hid behind my skin eruptions because then I don't have to accept or be who I am. Hanging my head low I can define myself by my outward appearance. I buy things that will fix my outward appearance but maybe fixing my inward love of myself can solve it. I can continue to be the person that sees myself through my sunglasses because I'm scared to see myself right now. Where do you put guidelines around accepting yourself? Only when I lose weight will I be amazing, only when I have that high powered job, only when I publish my book, only when I buy my new car, only when I'm in a relationship? You get the point.

I challenge myself and you to accept yourself now! When we get all that we want there's no guarantee that we will like ourselves more. There is only now. What if the key to getting where we want is changing the inner pathways to reflect our self love? Accepting ourselves doesn't spew an inflated ego it exudes love, happiness and who we are meant to be. Lets take a fast from thinking there is something wrong with us and accept ourselves just as we are. This reminds me of Bridget Jones' Diary where Mr. Darcy tells her, "I like you just as you are." Couldn't we all be so lucky to love others and ourselves like that. It can be just that simple. Accepting ourselves just as we are can bring about the outer reflection we are desiring.

The blending of these vibrant co1ors makes for a great presentation for your dinner table. Think of the many flavors and colors in the dish as a resemblance to ourselves. We may not love every aspect of ourselves but melded together they make a beautiful display. Honor how amazing you are in this moment. Let the sweet and tangy flavors dance on your tongue while you take in the stunning person you are.

Ingredients:

1 bunch of asparagus, ends cut off then cut in half
1 tablespoon of olive oil
zest of one lemon
1 clove of minced garlic
1 cup of cherries, pitted and cut in half (or cut in chunks)
1 shallot, minced
1/4 cup of slivered almonds
Dash of salt

Instructions:
1. Heat pan to medium heat and add a drizzle of olive oil, enough to coat the pan. Cut ends of asparagus then cut in half. Zest the lemon and mince the garlic. Add asparagus to pan with lemon zest and garlic. Cook for 3-5 minutes until bright green and tender. Place on plate and set aside.

2. Pit and cut cherries. (I realized after making this that the cherries might be better  cut in smaller pieces but it is up to you. I would suggest cutting in fourths.) Mince shallot. Add a teaspoon of olive oil to pan used to cook asparagus. Add shallot; cook for 1-2 minutes. Add cherries; cook 1-2 minutes (just to warm up).

3. Sprinkle asparagus with salt and pour cherries over the top of the asparagus. Sprinkle the slivered almonds over the top and serve warm.

This is a simple recipe but the flavors really compliment each other. Enjoy!