Over the years I have been trying to take a step back in different areas of my life. This is in an effort to release my codependency tendencies. The pendulum can swing too far at times in taking care of everyone else and putting my own needs below others.

I can advocate for others to their detriment and not let their path unfold for them. I think one of the most powerful things I've learned is that we can hinder another and not let them own their own triumphs when we are codependent.

It has taken me years of working on this to see it and still sometimes my eyes are blind to what I am doing until I get a glimpse of the honest truth. Then it is an eye opening and trail bending, tires screeching stop in my tracks.

I try to remember how it feels when I do something that feels triumphant and that I could be potentially robbing another person of their triumphant if I am constantly meddling and trying to make it okay for them. It is powerful learning our own lessons but sometimes it is hard on the sidelines to watch someone struggle.

I'm also robbing myself of my precious time and head space. I've actually never really got that till now. I have read about it and listen to people talk about it but haven't felt it deep in my soul. I have things I am meant to do and ways that I want to show up in my life but I get bogged down thrown into the ocean swimming in a sea of everyone else's problems.

There is wisdom in compassion and love for others. I believe in helping others when they are down but there is a point that it can get sticky. Where you wonder if you are helping or hindering? That is usually a good point to step back. Your internal meter might be off.

I've learned when the voice inside is unclear to just be patient and listen. The answers will come and all will be cleared up. Patience is hard especially if you are a fixer and doer. That is where the stillness and knowing will always bring comfort over the need for fast action.

That uneasy feeling, the questioning thoughts are all there as our little GPS system to keep us on our divine path. We can get lost and take a few too many turns but there is an internal voice that will never let us trail too far.

Take the time to listen a little closer because the more you listen the more it'll speak. I've learned to love this voice because it provides me with peace when I listen. I used to only listen to others and was really terrified to be me or make a choice. I never had peace or the knowing that everything was turning out perfectly because my inner GPS was always being pushed down.

Now I cherish my inner guidance system because it knows for me. Sometimes the path doesn't look like I hoped or I'm unsure that it is going to workout. The truth is it will never workout if I always listen to others. It only works if I truly tune into the meter inside that beeps when I'm in the zone of doing what other people think is best for me. I do have to slow to down to listen and know that eventually my path will make sense.

Oh it's easy, delicious and almost like a dessert. One of my favorite things to make for a snack or lunch or heck dessert. On one of those days where you feel like you are trying to control others left and right, all you hear is static instead of your inner voice and you really just want to hide at home. Make this sandwich and treat yourself. This will lift your spirits and have your taste buds tingling.

Single Serving
Ingredients:

two slices of bread

3- 4 ripe strawberries

1 tablespoon of chocolate hazelnut spread ( I used Once Again Amore Organic Hazelnut Spread)

1 tablespoon peanut butter, almond butter, sunflower butter or cashew butter

1 tablespoon of butter

Directions:

1. Thinly slice strawberries. Spread hazelnut spread on one slice of bread and nut butter on other slice of bread.

2. Place the slices of strawberries evenly on top of the hazelnut spread. Then place the slice of bread with the nut butter on top. Spread half of the butter on the outside of the top piece of bread.

3. Warm a pan on medium heat once warm put the buttered side directly onto the pan. Spread the rest of the butter on the top slice. Cook bottom piece till golden brown.

4. Flip once first side is golden brown. Then cook the other side till golden brown. Serve immediately.

Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy this little reprieve in your day. A moment for you. I've found when I'm in the mode of controlling it is usually due to lack of self-care. Take this moment to care for yourself and listen to the whispers of your inner voice. You know exactly what you need.

I've been watching and listening to the hoard of commentators in my head lately and they aren't always the nicest of folks. I've been going through a transition of jobs and wanting to ask for somethings that are challenging for me. When I am in this space my commentators are in full force discussing the many stories they have made up about me and others along with what I've done wrong, why I'm not good enough and really instilling the fear in me. It gets me a little paralyzed.

It makes me second guess my choices what I'm supposed to do or want to do along with questioning it all. I know this comes from childhood but what doesn't?! I've talked to other people that grew up in homes that were pretty normal and that self-talk isn't as loud and they are able to move through it a little easier.

I've decided in these moments to be gentle with myself and not push myself to ask questions that I feel I can't do yet. The time will come. I will push through and find my voice because I always do.

The pain comes mostly when I push myself when I'm not ready. Or when I have been playing these stories over and over but intend to take action even though I'm in a frightened state. It is me creating my own pain not anybody from the past.

It is heartbreaking to be living in this block of not being able to ask for what I want at times. It is heavy when I feel not worthy or that I'll be rejected. I get stuck in playing the tapes over and over of what I'd like to say along with how I think they see me which is usually not in the greatest light. I feel like a snail hiding out in my shell just bracing for someone to step on me instead of seeing the possibility that someone will avoid stepping on me or even pick me up and put me in a safe place.

I'm ready to release this. The hilarity of it all is I thought all my transformation from my yoga teacher training "fixed me." (That makes me chuckle a little). It just comes back to the notion that there is always some new way to grow.

What if in these moments we are stuck we just let ourselves be? Tell ourselves, "I know you want to speak up and you will but most of all be kind to yourself. Your voice will be heard and you will get your needs met." Then our bodies and minds would relax. It would feel like a relief because we wouldn't be pushing ourselves to do something that we are feeling really resistant to and beating ourselves up for not doing it.

When the committee of overly loud commentators is getting you down. Rest and honor yourself right where you are. What a concept? We don't have to beat ourselves up for what we aren't doing, should be doing or want to be doing. We can be kind and gentle to ourselves.

Haven't you always triumphed in things you want or goals you have? This doesn't mean that your face is on every magazine or that there is a ton of people talking about what you have done. This is is those everyday triumphants. You got your to do list done, you asked for what you needed from your significant other, you asked for help from a friend, you did a different behavior and the list goes on. You are victorious in your life.

Let that sink in. You are victorious in your life everyday. Too often we look at what is wrong, where we need to do something different and how we aren't getting what we want. That is where those commentators take you down and make you want to hide in your house of failure.

They actually aren't the sayers of truth. They are our deceivers and create chaos in our minds. Let yourself rest. Rest sometimes feels like a dirty word because we feel like we aren't moving or doing enough. But rest can be just what our mind needs to see our path unfold or for us to tune into what the divine path is ahead.

Be quiet and just love yourself. These road blocks are put there to help us push through to grow. Snails leave a trail behind them, not to look back and over analyze how long it took them to do something or beat themselves up for going the wrong way. The trail is there as a reminder of the beautiful journey that they courageously took.

Tap into your true essence and know that your words will be spoken in the right time and the right place. And let the words of "you are a victorious," ring through your body like the vibration from a gong. Soak it in and kick those commentators out. You deserve to see yourself in your true light. A beautiful magnificent being that has the power for so much more than you thought was possible. The expanding will come and you will confidently ask for your needs and desires.

 Ingredients:
6 cups of mixed greens
1 corn on the cob, kernels cut off
1 medium sized delicata squash, seeds cleaned out, cut into small chunks
1/2 a red onion
2 peaches or nectarines, cut in chunks
1 avocado, cut into chunks
1/2 cup of queso fresco, crumbled
1/4 of pumpkin seeds

Salad dressing:
3 tablespoons olive oil, a little more to saute corn, delicata and onion
1-11/2 tablespoon of fresh lemon juice, about a whole juicy lemon
1-2 teaspoons maple syrup, to your preference of sweetness
1 tablespoon tahini

Directions:
1. Chop the delicata squash, cut the corn off the cob and chop the red onion. Add 1 tablespoon of olive oil to a sauce pan on medium heat. Add the delicata squash and corn. Cook for 5-10 minutes until the squash is starting to brown. Add onions and saute for 5 minutes, till onions are softened but still have color. Place in a bowl to cool off.

2. Take a mason jar and add all the salad dressing ingredients. Shake it up to blend all the ingredients together. You can also whisk it together in a bowl.

3. Chop the peaches and avocado. Add the greens to a large bowl. Adding the peaches, avocado, cheese and pumpkin seeds. Once the squash, corn, onion mixture is cool add to the bowl and mix.

4. Add salad dressing individually or to the whole salad. (If you are not eating the whole thing I would suggest adding the dressing to the individual bowls of salad).

5. Enjoy!

Cooking is like a sanctuary for me. It is where my mind stops and I'm focused on making my recipe. Use this time to settle your mind. Focus on this task at hand and let everything go because the moment is where it is at. Let this salad brighten your spirit and know everything will come together like the pieces of this salad. Create a little sanctuary for yourself.

Thanks to Baby Foodie blog for the inspiration!
I love the deep reddish hue of this smoothie. It brings a smile to my face and reminds me of the power of our heart. This smoothie can be a reminder to honor yourself and showing your heart to others. Too often we are guarded and want to avoid our vulnerabilities but that is where life really begins. Sit down, sip your smoothie, share with one another and honor each others life badges. Life isn't always easy but it is better when we drink smoothies and be with one another.
Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups of frozen mixed berries (I used strawberries, blackberries and blueberry mixture)

Half of one beet, peeled and chopped

1-2 cups of Good Belly tropical green (You can use almond milk, coconut milk or regular milk if you'd prefer)

1 teaspoon of chia seeds

1/4 teaspoon of cinnamon

1 teaspoon wheat grass powder (You can omit this)

2 semi-rip bananas

Instructions:
1. Add all the ingredients to the blender. I usually use at least 1 1/2 cups of Good Belly so it is on the thinner side. Blend until smoothie.

2. Pour in a glass and enjoy.

This is even a big hit with my toddler! Enjoy this vibrant smoothie as a start to your day and a way to honor all your triumphs in life. Remember we've all been there. It may not be exactly the same experiences but we've all had many triumphs that aren't seen on the surface. Cheers to you!

 At times I feel like a seed germinating. Right now it feels that way. Dark, trying to stretch up and find my way out but not quite there yet. But in the darkness there is beauty. I definitely am a person that wants to stay in the positive and leave the dank cold isolation of being beneath the earth behind. I find myself eager to find the answer for things and for things to resolve but it is not always a quick transformation. How do we find peace in the hard times? I'm sure I'm not the only one that wants to know the answer.

I think the answer is in no answer. In the waiting. Can I really enjoy the hard time or times of great change? It really is a challenging battle. I think it is the best challenge of our lives. For me it is a feeling of being very vulnerable but having the unwavering power of an oak tree. I think of when that oak tree was just an acorn driving itself into the ground only to find it's lost in the darkness. Does it say to itself "I hate this. I'm ready to move on and be a big oak tree already." No. It just reaches for the next part of growing into to that beautiful tree. As the  acorn sprouts it stretches for the sun not always knowing exactly where it is but the power is deep inside and in the knowing it will break through.
Right now I am channeling my inner oak tree. The knowing everything works out no matter if it is the way I envision or the way the universe gently or forcefully pushes me in the direction of my highest good. There is strength in my inner core that feels unwavering like the oak tree that can weather any storm.

One of my favorite trees growing up was this beautiful oak tree near our pond that spread its limbs creating an amazing canopy. The grayish bark with vibrant green moss sprinkled throughout was always a magnificent sight. It brought me comfort when I had a bad day and it helped me see the phenomenal beauty that is all around.

I'm germinating right now and there will always be parts of me that is getting ready to sprout. Sometimes I cut off the tops of the sprouts because I'm not ready for the part that is gleaning through. I know it will keep coming up until I am ready to step back, take a breath and know I will be okay.

Nature is a reminder that you keep going even if it seems grim but everything will shift. The sun eventually shines and blue skies breakthrough the clouds. Rest in your inner oak tree. Go inward the answers are there. The oak tree never questions if it will be a tree. Can you trust that the answers are carried within?

 Now on to a nice earthy, lightly sweet drink that feels like you're having a tea party with Mother Earth. Matcha is my go to lately. It gives me energy without the jitters from coffee. Also when a day is hard it is my little sanctuary in a cup. It brings me joy if I'm exhausted, feeling down or just need something for myself when I'm with my son.

Matcha is great for energy and focus. It is like green tea with a boost. Matcha is grown a little differently because they cover the tea plants for 20-30 days before harvesting to increase the chlorophyll content which is what  makes that vibrant green color. Once harvested they remove the stems and veins but grind up the whole leaf.

I'm not a fan of matcha just in water because it is a little too earthy and bitter for me. I like enjoying it as a latte with honey. It is lightly sweet and feels like a wonderful treat.

Ingredients: (Makes 1 individual matcha latte can always double or triple)
1 cup of almond or coconut milk
1 teaspoon of Matcha powder
1-2 teaspoons of honey depending on preference
1/4 teaspoon spirulina

Instructions:
1. Warm up the almond milk over medium heat until hot but not boiling. Feel free to mix a little throughout so it doesn't get a film on top.

2. Remove from heat and gradually sprinkle in the matcha powder. Use a whisk to mix as you are adding the matcha. This is to avoid clumps of matcha; if you put it all in at once it tends to clump. Do the same with the spirulina powder. (I have also used a hand blender to mix if I find there are clumps of matcha.)

3. Mix in the honey to taste. Enjoy sipping on your matcha!

Life is hard sometimes and that is just a fact but we can still love our life in the midst of it all. I will leave you with a quote to contemplate as you sip your matcha latte. This is one of my favorite quotes and reminds me that we are just being refined when we are being challenged in life.

Since my little one turned one about a week ago I thought it would be the perfect time to reflect on what this year has taught me and brought me. I remember knowing he would be born on the 15th; I actually had no doubt he wouldn't be. Call it mother's intuition or whatever you will; I would say it was being in tune with his little spirit.

Labor and giving birth were a trying experience to say the least. We had planned on a birthing class but everything got interrupted with Santa Rosa being on fire. This made it a challenge to write a birth plan let alone know what to put down. I would say I pretty much copied the example given to me. I wish the midwives would of talked to me more about it but somethings are just made for learning.

His birth had moments of magic. When my partner and I were alone dancing and swaying through my contractions. I could of stayed in that space for forever. I saw his tenderness and love for me in a whole new way.

What I learned through his birth was that I can always advocate more for myself . Scare tactics don't work for me and I could of used more encouragement during the process. Also, I've always known I was a modest person but I didn't realize how more people coming into the room without warning could affect my progress. Even though by the end I was so exhausted that I didn't care anymore who was looking at my lady parts. It was still important for somebody to acknowledge more people were entering the room.

I can tell you that it wasn't love at first sight for me. It was more like what the hell happened and who the hell are all these people. Then there was endless pressing on my stomach that was almost worse than giving birth that made it challenging to enjoy the moment. Also, it felt like there were incessant amounts of talking along with concern about the amount of blood I was losing. Looking back I undeniably was a champion doing all this without anything to dull the pain. It is another worldly experience. Giving birth gave me a new appreciation for women and how strong we all are.

I do remember sitting in the back of the car with him on the way home from the hospital after getting me all put together and feeling very intrigued by who this person is and how he will change my life. The love for him has grown more and more over time. It is such a marvelous process and I absolutely adore him.

Another favorite moment was coming home from the hospital early in the morning. All three of us got in bed. Our little man on his dad's chest and we all took a nap. It was hard to believe that this little being was ours to help guide and take care of.

There was some trying circumstances with needing to move shortly after he was born but that is in another post.

It has been a joy to watch this little human discover his world. Lights, fans, hands, toys, our dogs and the fascination it all brings. His world is so exciting. I get to see my world through the best eyes.

There are moments of absolute infatuation and times where all I really need is a break. There is also fear that I will make a mistake and ruin this little being. I want to protect him. I want him to know he is always loved and cared for. There are fears from my childhood that I don't want repeated, along with my insecurities and faults. I try and remind myself that I'm doing things different than my parents. I work hard on self-awareness even though I will never reach perfection.

It brings some grief too. Wishing my mom was apart of his life like his father's family. I can feel a ting of jealously when it feels like my mother-in-law sees herself as the only grandma because I still see my mom as his grandma too. She is here. I wish her physicality was here.

There is also some grief about the rest of my family not being as thrilled about him as I envisioned. I had the expectation that they would want to be apart of his life and adore him the way we do. That is not the case but when dysfunction runs rampant in your family there is no guarantees.

I've learned to run on less sleep than I've ever thought was possible and be patient more than I thought anybody could. Sometimes I even amaze myself but then there are times when it hard to contain the frustration boiling inside me. I can act like a child myself but at least I've learned more and more to ask for help, that even a minute of self-care is worth it and deep breathing is necessary.

I definitely feel lucky his soul choose us. I want to be a better person because of him. I want to try to teach him things I never received growing up. I want him to know he is loved no matter what his behaviors exhibit, to learn to take care of himself, to see other's words and behaviors as a reflection of what is going on inside them; not about him, to speak up, to always see the adventure even if there is lots of darkness around, to keep the joy and excitement alive and be true to himself. As I write these I know this is what I need to do for myself and model because being the example is the biggest challenge of motherhood.

Being a mom literally cracks you open. It can be frightening and make some of us retreat into to old habits or expand into new territory. This little person pulls at your heart strings and very often your pant leg. Sometimes there is no letting up and you are just hoping their eyes will close and their breathing will calm so you can stare at the television or your phone for a second. To have a moment of zoning out.

I have found it to take a while to get back to myself and rediscover me. It is easy to get lost in his world but for me to thrive I need to keep me alive. I know that someday he will be reaching for the stars and I need to keep reaching for mine. I know I am a way better mom when I take to my passions and get some self-care.

Working is a balancing act in of itself. Especially for me because I usually have multiple jobs. It is a balance with the range of emotions it brings. My emotions have run the gamete. Wishing I didn't have to go to work and also enjoying a little bit of me being me.

Some of the hardest moments are when I wish the world treated me differently or had more compassion for what moms do. Pumping at work, leaving your baby, trying to make sure you are fed, keeping the house running, taking care of the dogs, your brain not functioning at the same capacity, all while your hormones are attempting to balance themselves. It can be overwhelming. I guess the true root is finding the compassion for myself because truly no one can read my mind or know what all is going on with me.

I've made some hard decisions too with choosing to work less. It seems easy but it is challenging because my self worth is tied a lot to what I am doing in my career. My choice stems a lot from having death lurking through my late teenage years. Losing my mom young has brought the perspective of wanting to spend as much time with him while keeping my feet in my career world. My mom loved to shop and buy things but all I wanted was more time with her. There is also a small place in my brain that wonders how long I will be around. My hope is for a long time. Death does funny things to you but I am thankful it has raised my awareness of the preciousness of being a major part of this little guys life.

This last year has been a hurricane of emotions but I wouldn't change it. I stare at his little face in aware of who he is, who he'll become and that I get to be a big part of his life. This is the beauty of life. It is a sacred gift to bring a human being into this world. They remind you everyday of the wonder and miracles that are here in every moment.

This is a perfect salad for the holiday season. It is warm which provides so much comfort during the cold days and night. It has an array of flavors and a beautiful display.

This salad is a perfect reminder of life's journey that we are all on. We all travel rough terrain but like the sweetness of cranberries and honey there is lots of joy drizzled through out our days. Sometimes the joy comes in every bite or balanced throughout multiple bites. Savor the joy as much as the rough terrain because it all comes together to make a beautiful dish.

Ingredients:
1 bunch of  julienne purple kale
1 chopped shallot
1/2 cup of roughly chopped pecans*
1/2 cup of dried cranberries*
1 tablespoon of olive oil
1-2 teaspoons of balsamic vinegar
1-2 teaspoons of honey
salt to taste

Directions:

1. Julienne the kale, chop the shallot and roughly chop the pecans.

2. Warm the olive oil over medium heat. Toss the shallot in the pan and cook for 3-5 minutes until they become soft. Add the kale. Cook for a 2-3 minutes till the kale is a softer.

3. Add the pecans and cranberries. Cook a few minutes. Add the balsamic vinegar. I added a dash, then taste it to see if I need more.

4. Then drizzle with honey. Sprinkle a little salt. Serve warm.

*There is a large amount of nuts and cranberries to kale ratio. I love the crunch and texture it gives the salad but you can always use less if you prefer.

Cheers to you my friends! I cherish the moments around my table with people I love. I hope this salad brings love and light to your table along with lots of smiles. There is something special about sharing a meal together. My little guy is starting to take an interest in what we are cooking and loves whatever we are eating. There is a true bond that is formed in the kitchen and I wish for you the same moments in your kitchen.