It makes me second guess my choices what I'm supposed to do or want to do along with questioning it all. I know this comes from childhood but what doesn't?! I've talked to other people that grew up in homes that were pretty normal and that self-talk isn't as loud and they are able to move through it a little easier.
I've decided in these moments to be gentle with myself and not push myself to ask questions that I feel I can't do yet. The time will come. I will push through and find my voice because I always do.
The pain comes mostly when I push myself when I'm not ready. Or when I have been playing these stories over and over but intend to take action even though I'm in a frightened state. It is me creating my own pain not anybody from the past.
It is heartbreaking to be living in this block of not being able to ask for what I want at times. It is heavy when I feel not worthy or that I'll be rejected. I get stuck in playing the tapes over and over of what I'd like to say along with how I think they see me which is usually not in the greatest light. I feel like a snail hiding out in my shell just bracing for someone to step on me instead of seeing the possibility that someone will avoid stepping on me or even pick me up and put me in a safe place.
I'm ready to release this. The hilarity of it all is I thought all my transformation from my yoga teacher training "fixed me." (That makes me chuckle a little). It just comes back to the notion that there is always some new way to grow.
What if in these moments we are stuck we just let ourselves be? Tell ourselves, "I know you want to speak up and you will but most of all be kind to yourself. Your voice will be heard and you will get your needs met." Then our bodies and minds would relax. It would feel like a relief because we wouldn't be pushing ourselves to do something that we are feeling really resistant to and beating ourselves up for not doing it.
When the committee of overly loud commentators is getting you down. Rest and honor yourself right where you are. What a concept? We don't have to beat ourselves up for what we aren't doing, should be doing or want to be doing. We can be kind and gentle to ourselves.
Haven't you always triumphed in things you want or goals you have? This doesn't mean that your face is on every magazine or that there is a ton of people talking about what you have done. This is is those everyday triumphants. You got your to do list done, you asked for what you needed from your significant other, you asked for help from a friend, you did a different behavior and the list goes on. You are victorious in your life.
Let that sink in. You are victorious in your life everyday. Too often we look at what is wrong, where we need to do something different and how we aren't getting what we want. That is where those commentators take you down and make you want to hide in your house of failure.
They actually aren't the sayers of truth. They are our deceivers and create chaos in our minds. Let yourself rest. Rest sometimes feels like a dirty word because we feel like we aren't moving or doing enough. But rest can be just what our mind needs to see our path unfold or for us to tune into what the divine path is ahead.
Be quiet and just love yourself. These road blocks are put there to help us push through to grow. Snails leave a trail behind them, not to look back and over analyze how long it took them to do something or beat themselves up for going the wrong way. The trail is there as a reminder of the beautiful journey that they courageously took.
Tap into your true essence and know that your words will be spoken in the right time and the right place. And let the words of "you are a victorious," ring through your body like the vibration from a gong. Soak it in and kick those commentators out. You deserve to see yourself in your true light. A beautiful magnificent being that has the power for so much more than you thought was possible. The expanding will come and you will confidently ask for your needs and desires.
A Little Bit of Summer Salad
6 cups of mixed greens
1 corn on the cob, kernels cut off
1 medium sized delicata squash, seeds cleaned out, cut into small chunks
1/2 a red onion
2 peaches or nectarines, cut in chunks
1 avocado, cut into chunks
1/2 cup of queso fresco, crumbled
1/4 of pumpkin seeds
3 tablespoons olive oil, a little more to saute corn, delicata and onion
1-11/2 tablespoon of fresh lemon juice, about a whole juicy lemon
1-2 teaspoons maple syrup, to your preference of sweetness
1 tablespoon tahini
1. Chop the delicata squash, cut the corn off the cob and chop the red onion. Add 1 tablespoon of olive oil to a sauce pan on medium heat. Add the delicata squash and corn. Cook for 5-10 minutes until the squash is starting to brown. Add onions and saute for 5 minutes, till onions are softened but still have color. Place in a bowl to cool off.
2. Take a mason jar and add all the salad dressing ingredients. Shake it up to blend all the ingredients together. You can also whisk it together in a bowl.
3. Chop the peaches and avocado. Add the greens to a large bowl. Adding the peaches, avocado, cheese and pumpkin seeds. Once the squash, corn, onion mixture is cool add to the bowl and mix.
4. Add salad dressing individually or to the whole salad. (If you are not eating the whole thing I would suggest adding the dressing to the individual bowls of salad).
Cooking is like a sanctuary for me. It is where my mind stops and I'm focused on making my recipe. Use this time to settle your mind. Focus on this task at hand and let everything go because the moment is where it is at. Let this salad brighten your spirit and know everything will come together like the pieces of this salad. Create a little sanctuary for yourself.