Have you heard of primary food? One of the concepts I love from the Institute of Integrative Nutrition is their concept of primary food. This is also the reason I start my posts off with something to inspire you or move you in some way.

Primary food is the areas of our life that fills us up; relationships, career, spirituality, and physical activity. When one or multiple of these areas are not being filled up we may over eat, not eat, eat things that aren't nourishing, and not feel good. Remember being a kid playing outside and your mom yells,  "time to come inside to eat." You yell back, "I'm not hungry." You were so filled up with fun, excitement, and enjoying your friends that food wasn't even a thought. Obviously, I'm not suggesting never eat but sometimes we eat when we aren't hungry. We eat when the real hunger is deeper than our stomach. We are craving meaningful relationships, more creativity, connection with nature  or a more fulfilling career. These are things we sometimes put aside because we don't have time and we just have to do certain things to get by. Being fulfilled with primary food enhances your life in so many ways and changing your food choices can be one of them.

A lot of us have been through tough circumstances and depression sets in stealing our zest for life and any desire to nourish ourselves. This can lead to living in a dark cave watching endless television and eating sugary sweet desserts that we are hoping will lift our spirits. Also, it can bring the lack of taste that renders all foods as tasteless and unsatisfying. What is lacking here? Not food; maybe it is the desire to have support and know you aren't alone or there is a need to connect with a deeper purpose. We need to look to primary food sometimes to see why we might be creating a cycle of unhealthy eating.

We are hear to live rich and meaningful lives but sometimes we get derailed from that idea and get boxed into the daily grind. Maybe there is an area of your life you can improve that will make your overall health sparkle and shine. I know I've been guilty of not being satisfied in multiple areas of my life and it has taken a toll on my health. Beef up your primary food and watch what happens to your desire for healthy eating.

 Ingredients:
1 medium Butternut Squash

1 medium Acorn Squash

8 cups of Vegetable Broth

1-2 Tablespoons of Olive Oil

1 cup of Hazelnuts

1 tablespoon of fresh Sage and more for garnish

1 cup of Balsamic Vinegar

1/4 cup of Honey

Instructions:
1. Preheat oven to 350˚. Peel and scoop out the seeds of the butternut squash. Slice into 1/2 inch pieces and place in a bowl. Drizzle with olive oil and stir around till all the pieces are coated. Cut acorn squash in half and scoop out seeds. Drizzle both pieces with olive oil and coat the whole orange flesh. Place the butternut squash and acorn squash (flesh side down) on a baking sheet. Bake 20-30 minutes till butternut squash is golden brown and acorn squash is roasted on the outer edges. Turn butternut squash once. Mince the sage while the squash is cooking

2. Once the squash is done place the hazelnuts on a baking sheet. Roast for 10-15 minutes in the oven at 350˚. Turning once and make sure they don't burn. Place a tea towel in a bowl big enough for the hazelnuts. After hazelnuts are done cooking put them in the bowl with the tea towel and cover them for 5 minutes. After 5 minutes roll them are in the towel with your hands to try to remove most of the skins. There will still be some skin on the hazelnuts and that is okay.

3. Pour 7 cups of vegetable broth in a large pot. Add slices of butternut squash and scoop out the centers of the two halves of acorn squash add to broth along with the chopped sage. Cook till warm about 10-15 minutes. While the soup is cooking put the hazelnuts in a food processor and add 1/2 cup of broth blend. Slowly add broth until it is smooth and creamy.

4. Add balsamic vinegar and honey to a small sauce pan. Bring to a boil then turn down heat and let it simmer for 7-10 minutes. Stirring occasionally to make sure it doesn't burn. Once think enough to thinly coat a spoon it is good.

5. After the soup has cooked for 15 minutes; blend with an immersion blender until it nice n smooth. To serve add a couple ladle fulls of the squash soup then add the hazelnut cream and drizzle with the balsamic drizzle and sprinkle some chopped sage. Voila!

Enjoy! So delicious on a cold night!

Sometimes I still miss her. It has been 15 and a half years and sometimes I just miss her. There is a chill that comes over me and my heart aches a little for having my mom swept away before I was ready.

When I was 19 my mom was killed by a drunk driver. It was devastating. When it happened it felt like razor blades were ripping my insides and I didn't know what to think or feel. Obviously I've had many years to accept the reality that my mom is no longer here and that she won't be coming back. I am not a sad sap running around telling everyone that will listen that my mom is dead. Imagine me standing on a street corner; head cocked back with the back of my hand on my forehead yelling, "Woe is me," with a deep sigh. No that is not me but missing my mom does grace my presence every now and then.

The feelings of missing my mom doesn't come at specific times or warn me when its rearing its head. It just comes, unexpectedly. Maybe I see something about a friend doing something special with their mom,  go to a baby shower with happy mothers and daughters or having our birthdays a day apart. And sometimes she just pops into my head and I wonder what life would be like with her.

Many people tell you after you lose someone time heals all wounds. I think it should say something more like time heals all wounds but there is still a scar left behind. People told me not too long after my mom died, "when are you going to get over this?" This made me feel ashamed that I miss her and still have a longing to have my mom in my life. Now I've realized it is okay to wish my mom was still here and feel envious of people that still have theirs in their life.

There isn't much chatter about when you lose somebody you love that you might still miss them many, many years later. I've mostly felt guilt around it. I wanted to burrow away because I thought it was unacceptable to still miss my mom after 15 years. I'm not in utter despair like I was when it first became a reality. Most of my life I am joyous and very satisfied but there are moments or days that it hits me I wish I could share my life with my mom. This is something only people that have lost someone close to them can understand. Otherwise it is really hard to fathom.

People love to tell me she is still here and around me. I know, sometimes I will feel her warmth or grab a smell that helps me know she is around. But to have her physically here we would be amazing! To hear the sound of her voice and have her meet the important people in my life would filled me with abounding joy. That just isn't my reality.

I'm writing this so we can all be okay with knowing we may miss our loved one our whole life and there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean we don't enjoy our life but we sometimes feel a longing to share it with the one or few people that are no longer here. There is nothing to be ashamed about because we loved them! They are loved and remembered because sometimes we find ourselves stricken with the longing to have them be here right now.

This salad has a bounty of flavors. Salty from the feta cheese, tangy from the chimichurri sauce, sweet from the cranberries and earthy from the kale. It reminds me of life. There are so many different emotions we feel and they come together to make a beautiful dish. Let the flavors meld together and enjoy this salty, tangy, sweet, earthy salad. Know that where ever you are is okay and it is one splotch of color in your beautiful canvas called life.

Ingredients for the salad:
1 cup of sorghum
3 cups of water or broth
1 cup of feta cheese
2 1/2 cups of finely chopped kale
3/4 cup of dried cranberries
1/4 cup of finely chopped red onions
1/4 cup + 2 Tablespoons of chimichurri sauce (recipe below)
Instructions:
1. Add 3 cups of water and 1 cup of sorghum to a pot. Place a lid on pot and bring water to a boil. Then reduce to heat to low and let simmer for 50-60 minutes or until tender. There might be excess water in the pot when done cooking that is normal; just drain the excess water.

2. While the sorghum is cooking finely chop the kale and red onions. The feta cheese can be cut in to small chunks. Make the chimichurri sauce; instructions below.

3. Once the sorghum is cooked and drained of any excess water let it cool for 5 minutes. Then add the kale, red onions and cranberries. Add a 1/4 cup of chimichurri sauce and taste. Add more to your liking. (I like it with the extra 2 Tablespoons, gives it an extra tang) Then stir in the feta. Serve!!

CHIMICHURRI SAUCE
I love this sauce. This is recipe is from epicurious but this is a sauce from Argentina. The recipe usually has oregano in it but I found this one with cilantro more fitting for the salad. Feel free to use the extra sauce on eggs, swirl it in hummus or whatever tickles your taste buds.
Ingredients:
1cup packed fresh Italian parsley
1/2 cup of olive oil
1/3 cup red wine vinegar
1/4 cup packed fresh cilantro
2 garlic cloves, peeled
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon salt
Instructions:
1. Blend all ingredients in a food processor. And done!