I've been watching and listening to the hoard of commentators in my head lately and they aren't always the nicest of folks. I've been going through a transition of jobs and wanting to ask for somethings that are challenging for me. When I am in this space my commentators are in full force discussing the many stories they have made up about me and others along with what I've done wrong, why I'm not good enough and really instilling the fear in me. It gets me a little paralyzed.

It makes me second guess my choices what I'm supposed to do or want to do along with questioning it all. I know this comes from childhood but what doesn't?! I've talked to other people that grew up in homes that were pretty normal and that self-talk isn't as loud and they are able to move through it a little easier.

I've decided in these moments to be gentle with myself and not push myself to ask questions that I feel I can't do yet. The time will come. I will push through and find my voice because I always do.

The pain comes mostly when I push myself when I'm not ready. Or when I have been playing these stories over and over but intend to take action even though I'm in a frightened state. It is me creating my own pain not anybody from the past.

It is heartbreaking to be living in this block of not being able to ask for what I want at times. It is heavy when I feel not worthy or that I'll be rejected. I get stuck in playing the tapes over and over of what I'd like to say along with how I think they see me which is usually not in the greatest light. I feel like a snail hiding out in my shell just bracing for someone to step on me instead of seeing the possibility that someone will avoid stepping on me or even pick me up and put me in a safe place.

I'm ready to release this. The hilarity of it all is I thought all my transformation from my yoga teacher training "fixed me." (That makes me chuckle a little). It just comes back to the notion that there is always some new way to grow.

What if in these moments we are stuck we just let ourselves be? Tell ourselves, "I know you want to speak up and you will but most of all be kind to yourself. Your voice will be heard and you will get your needs met." Then our bodies and minds would relax. It would feel like a relief because we wouldn't be pushing ourselves to do something that we are feeling really resistant to and beating ourselves up for not doing it.

When the committee of overly loud commentators is getting you down. Rest and honor yourself right where you are. What a concept? We don't have to beat ourselves up for what we aren't doing, should be doing or want to be doing. We can be kind and gentle to ourselves.

Haven't you always triumphed in things you want or goals you have? This doesn't mean that your face is on every magazine or that there is a ton of people talking about what you have done. This is is those everyday triumphants. You got your to do list done, you asked for what you needed from your significant other, you asked for help from a friend, you did a different behavior and the list goes on. You are victorious in your life.

Let that sink in. You are victorious in your life everyday. Too often we look at what is wrong, where we need to do something different and how we aren't getting what we want. That is where those commentators take you down and make you want to hide in your house of failure.

They actually aren't the sayers of truth. They are our deceivers and create chaos in our minds. Let yourself rest. Rest sometimes feels like a dirty word because we feel like we aren't moving or doing enough. But rest can be just what our mind needs to see our path unfold or for us to tune into what the divine path is ahead.

Be quiet and just love yourself. These road blocks are put there to help us push through to grow. Snails leave a trail behind them, not to look back and over analyze how long it took them to do something or beat themselves up for going the wrong way. The trail is there as a reminder of the beautiful journey that they courageously took.

Tap into your true essence and know that your words will be spoken in the right time and the right place. And let the words of "you are a victorious," ring through your body like the vibration from a gong. Soak it in and kick those commentators out. You deserve to see yourself in your true light. A beautiful magnificent being that has the power for so much more than you thought was possible. The expanding will come and you will confidently ask for your needs and desires.

 Ingredients:
6 cups of mixed greens
1 corn on the cob, kernels cut off
1 medium sized delicata squash, seeds cleaned out, cut into small chunks
1/2 a red onion
2 peaches or nectarines, cut in chunks
1 avocado, cut into chunks
1/2 cup of queso fresco, crumbled
1/4 of pumpkin seeds

Salad dressing:
3 tablespoons olive oil, a little more to saute corn, delicata and onion
1-11/2 tablespoon of fresh lemon juice, about a whole juicy lemon
1-2 teaspoons maple syrup, to your preference of sweetness
1 tablespoon tahini

Directions:
1. Chop the delicata squash, cut the corn off the cob and chop the red onion. Add 1 tablespoon of olive oil to a sauce pan on medium heat. Add the delicata squash and corn. Cook for 5-10 minutes until the squash is starting to brown. Add onions and saute for 5 minutes, till onions are softened but still have color. Place in a bowl to cool off.

2. Take a mason jar and add all the salad dressing ingredients. Shake it up to blend all the ingredients together. You can also whisk it together in a bowl.

3. Chop the peaches and avocado. Add the greens to a large bowl. Adding the peaches, avocado, cheese and pumpkin seeds. Once the squash, corn, onion mixture is cool add to the bowl and mix.

4. Add salad dressing individually or to the whole salad. (If you are not eating the whole thing I would suggest adding the dressing to the individual bowls of salad).

5. Enjoy!

Cooking is like a sanctuary for me. It is where my mind stops and I'm focused on making my recipe. Use this time to settle your mind. Focus on this task at hand and let everything go because the moment is where it is at. Let this salad brighten your spirit and know everything will come together like the pieces of this salad. Create a little sanctuary for yourself.

The big news at Dash & Drizzle is a baby is on its way. Due in November. Experiencing this new journey is interesting, intimidating, exciting and sometimes I wonder if it is the right time or if we should be doing this. I know it will be a miracle and such a joy but there is many thoughts and emotions swinging around in my head.

Being pregnant also brings up not having my mom here and how I wish I could share this journey with her. I know her spirit surrounds me daily but there is nothing like having someone's physical presence in your life.

The other day I was thinking about what I have learned from my mom and what has made me grateful that she was my mom. I learned to be a strong independent woman which can be a curse and a blessing. She taught me the joy of laughter and gave me my quirky sense of humor. My mom taught me a lot about caring for others. She was a nurse and cared deeply for her patients and fellow coworkers. I saw her attend to children with a host of ailments and elderly individuals. My mom always brought lots of laughter and heart to her work.

My mom loved spending time with all her children and was great at advocating for our needs. She pushed for special accommodations for my brother who has Down's to be in a regular classroom and speech services. She enjoyed supporting my sister at her swim meets and tried her best to be at as many as she could. I found out after she died that she was taking money out of her 401k so we could go to New York so I could check out NYU. She was willing to sacrifice for us.

Of course, not everything my mom did was magical. There are things that I see now that hindered me. These things used to be so hard to admit because when you lose someone all you want to reflect on is their good qualities. I couldn't even approach the challenging qualities she had for a while. Now I can see them and know that she was doing the best she could at the time. I was put in the parent role a lot, she used me as a confidant to talk about my dad and she sometimes made me feel like I was prude because I was forced into being an adult before it was my time. It is terrifying to put these out in the world because I don't want the reflection of my mom to be these. These are the qualities that I want to try to steer clear of with this little man I'm bringing into the world. I know I won't be perfect but I'll be aware.

Sometimes I think about what I would say to my mom if I had her here for one day. That is impossible to know but I know that I would just be present and enjoy every minute of it. I figure she knows who I am and all that I am so it would just be a day of bliss; enjoying her essence.

I've written her letters in the past to connect with her and sometimes talk to her. I know that she is around me. I do hate that I will have to tell my son what she always told me about her dad. "He would of loved you." I never wanted to have to tell my children that. I really wanted them to know you. I felt like I was just getting to know you myself.

I wish I could share this experience with you. Hear your wisdom of becoming a mom and your excitement when you found out we were having a baby. I guess soon I will know the deep love you had for us. I thank you for being my mom. I wouldn't have asked for anyone else to be my mom. I thank you for doing things different. You married my dad after I was born, you gave birth to me at home, you moved from the Ohio and Texas to California and you lived to laugh.

One of my fondest memories of you is when my uncle bought me a huge blow up penguin. It was probably as big as me. You came to pick me up from school in your red jeep with my sister and that giant penguin in the back seat. I wanted to hide from embarrassment as I saw you guys driving up. I got in the car as quickly as possible. I wanted you to speed away to prevent too many people from seeing me, you, my sister and a huge penguin in your jeep. You and my sister were laughing hysterically. I can enjoy this memory now that I'm not a high schooler.

Sometimes when I think I'm doing things "wrong" or not the way the world says I should; I remember you. It is okay to be different, to do life differently. That is definitely something I want to instill in my son because of you. Also, I remember you inviting your coworkers to holidays and I didn't always like it at the time. I remember your coworker from Africa and he was so kind and generous. He also was gracious to come over after you died to bring us food and tell us how much he loved you. I want to instill that kindness, love, generosity and openness in my son. I may not have you on this earth but I get to pass you on.

It still sometimes makes me sad. This weekend it will be sixteen years since you were hit by a drunk driver. Sometimes I forget the day is coming but there is usually emotions around that time even if I am not aware. I thank you for being my mom. Know you are thought about often and there is still a desire to have you here.

Now onto the recipe for this post. It is a simple recipe with avocado, beets and sprouts on delicious sourdough bread. It reminds me that life is simple. We all want a big house, lots of gadgets, artwork and things but what really matters is the time we spend with one another. This is a gift I have learned from losing my mom so young. I don't need to buy my son a lot of things but spending time with him making memories is the greatest gift.

This recipe is inspired by a local cafe called The Pharmacy. I love this toast they make and had to try to do it myself. I thank them for their inspiration.

One thing I love about eating is, it is a great way to connect with others and even ourselves. So many times we are so busy just waiting to move on to the next thing or seeing what everyone is doing on social media that we forget to be present. Sitting down to eat can be an opportunity to enjoy someone's presence because ultimately we never know how long we get.

Ingredients: (4 servings)
4 slices of sourdough bread
2 avocados
1 teaspoon of olive oil + more for drizzling on top
1 garlic clove, minced
1/2 teaspoon of lemon zest & 1/2 teaspoon lemon juice
1 beet, peeled
1/2 cup of vinegar
1/2 cup of sunflower sprouts
Salt and pepper

Instructions:
1.  Place the beet in a pot of water. Bring to a boil and simmer for 20-30 minutes. Let cool and slice thinly. (I used a mandoline to get nice thin slices but you can slice them with a knife too). Once sliced put in a bowl and cover with the vinegar to marinate while you fix the rest of the ingredients.

2. Cut up the avocado into chunks and place in a bowl. Mash then add minced garlic, lemon zest, lemon juice and a 1/2 teaspoon to 1 teaspoon of olive oil (depends on your preference). Add salt and pepper to taste.

3. Toast bread and roughly chop up the sunflower sprouts. (They should still be large chunks or you can also leave them whole).

4. Assemble the toast. Take the pieces of toast, spread with avocado mixture, layer beets on top, sprinkle with sunflower sprouts, drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle salt and pepper. Enjoy!

In honor of my mom I wish you lots of love, laughter and joy!