Since my little one turned one about a week ago I thought it would be the perfect time to reflect on what this year has taught me and brought me. I remember knowing he would be born on the 15th; I actually had no doubt he wouldn't be. Call it mother's intuition or whatever you will; I would say it was being in tune with his little spirit.

Labor and giving birth were a trying experience to say the least. We had planned on a birthing class but everything got interrupted with Santa Rosa being on fire. This made it a challenge to write a birth plan let alone know what to put down. I would say I pretty much copied the example given to me. I wish the midwives would of talked to me more about it but somethings are just made for learning.

His birth had moments of magic. When my partner and I were alone dancing and swaying through my contractions. I could of stayed in that space for forever. I saw his tenderness and love for me in a whole new way.

What I learned through his birth was that I can always advocate more for myself . Scare tactics don't work for me and I could of used more encouragement during the process. Also, I've always known I was a modest person but I didn't realize how more people coming into the room without warning could affect my progress. Even though by the end I was so exhausted that I didn't care anymore who was looking at my lady parts. It was still important for somebody to acknowledge more people were entering the room.

I can tell you that it wasn't love at first sight for me. It was more like what the hell happened and who the hell are all these people. Then there was endless pressing on my stomach that was almost worse than giving birth that made it challenging to enjoy the moment. Also, it felt like there were incessant amounts of talking along with concern about the amount of blood I was losing. Looking back I undeniably was a champion doing all this without anything to dull the pain. It is another worldly experience. Giving birth gave me a new appreciation for women and how strong we all are.

I do remember sitting in the back of the car with him on the way home from the hospital after getting me all put together and feeling very intrigued by who this person is and how he will change my life. The love for him has grown more and more over time. It is such a marvelous process and I absolutely adore him.

Another favorite moment was coming home from the hospital early in the morning. All three of us got in bed. Our little man on his dad's chest and we all took a nap. It was hard to believe that this little being was ours to help guide and take care of.

There was some trying circumstances with needing to move shortly after he was born but that is in another post.

It has been a joy to watch this little human discover his world. Lights, fans, hands, toys, our dogs and the fascination it all brings. His world is so exciting. I get to see my world through the best eyes.

There are moments of absolute infatuation and times where all I really need is a break. There is also fear that I will make a mistake and ruin this little being. I want to protect him. I want him to know he is always loved and cared for. There are fears from my childhood that I don't want repeated, along with my insecurities and faults. I try and remind myself that I'm doing things different than my parents. I work hard on self-awareness even though I will never reach perfection.

It brings some grief too. Wishing my mom was apart of his life like his father's family. I can feel a ting of jealously when it feels like my mother-in-law sees herself as the only grandma because I still see my mom as his grandma too. She is here. I wish her physicality was here.

There is also some grief about the rest of my family not being as thrilled about him as I envisioned. I had the expectation that they would want to be apart of his life and adore him the way we do. That is not the case but when dysfunction runs rampant in your family there is no guarantees.

I've learned to run on less sleep than I've ever thought was possible and be patient more than I thought anybody could. Sometimes I even amaze myself but then there are times when it hard to contain the frustration boiling inside me. I can act like a child myself but at least I've learned more and more to ask for help, that even a minute of self-care is worth it and deep breathing is necessary.

I definitely feel lucky his soul choose us. I want to be a better person because of him. I want to try to teach him things I never received growing up. I want him to know he is loved no matter what his behaviors exhibit, to learn to take care of himself, to see other's words and behaviors as a reflection of what is going on inside them; not about him, to speak up, to always see the adventure even if there is lots of darkness around, to keep the joy and excitement alive and be true to himself. As I write these I know this is what I need to do for myself and model because being the example is the biggest challenge of motherhood.

Being a mom literally cracks you open. It can be frightening and make some of us retreat into to old habits or expand into new territory. This little person pulls at your heart strings and very often your pant leg. Sometimes there is no letting up and you are just hoping their eyes will close and their breathing will calm so you can stare at the television or your phone for a second. To have a moment of zoning out.

I have found it to take a while to get back to myself and rediscover me. It is easy to get lost in his world but for me to thrive I need to keep me alive. I know that someday he will be reaching for the stars and I need to keep reaching for mine. I know I am a way better mom when I take to my passions and get some self-care.

Working is a balancing act in of itself. Especially for me because I usually have multiple jobs. It is a balance with the range of emotions it brings. My emotions have run the gamete. Wishing I didn't have to go to work and also enjoying a little bit of me being me.

Some of the hardest moments are when I wish the world treated me differently or had more compassion for what moms do. Pumping at work, leaving your baby, trying to make sure you are fed, keeping the house running, taking care of the dogs, your brain not functioning at the same capacity, all while your hormones are attempting to balance themselves. It can be overwhelming. I guess the true root is finding the compassion for myself because truly no one can read my mind or know what all is going on with me.

I've made some hard decisions too with choosing to work less. It seems easy but it is challenging because my self worth is tied a lot to what I am doing in my career. My choice stems a lot from having death lurking through my late teenage years. Losing my mom young has brought the perspective of wanting to spend as much time with him while keeping my feet in my career world. My mom loved to shop and buy things but all I wanted was more time with her. There is also a small place in my brain that wonders how long I will be around. My hope is for a long time. Death does funny things to you but I am thankful it has raised my awareness of the preciousness of being a major part of this little guys life.

This last year has been a hurricane of emotions but I wouldn't change it. I stare at his little face in aware of who he is, who he'll become and that I get to be a big part of his life. This is the beauty of life. It is a sacred gift to bring a human being into this world. They remind you everyday of the wonder and miracles that are here in every moment.

This is a perfect salad for the holiday season. It is warm which provides so much comfort during the cold days and night. It has an array of flavors and a beautiful display.

This salad is a perfect reminder of life's journey that we are all on. We all travel rough terrain but like the sweetness of cranberries and honey there is lots of joy drizzled through out our days. Sometimes the joy comes in every bite or balanced throughout multiple bites. Savor the joy as much as the rough terrain because it all comes together to make a beautiful dish.

Ingredients:
1 bunch of  julienne purple kale
1 chopped shallot
1/2 cup of roughly chopped pecans*
1/2 cup of dried cranberries*
1 tablespoon of olive oil
1-2 teaspoons of balsamic vinegar
1-2 teaspoons of honey
salt to taste

Directions:

1. Julienne the kale, chop the shallot and roughly chop the pecans.

2. Warm the olive oil over medium heat. Toss the shallot in the pan and cook for 3-5 minutes until they become soft. Add the kale. Cook for a 2-3 minutes till the kale is a softer.

3. Add the pecans and cranberries. Cook a few minutes. Add the balsamic vinegar. I added a dash, then taste it to see if I need more.

4. Then drizzle with honey. Sprinkle a little salt. Serve warm.

*There is a large amount of nuts and cranberries to kale ratio. I love the crunch and texture it gives the salad but you can always use less if you prefer.

Cheers to you my friends! I cherish the moments around my table with people I love. I hope this salad brings love and light to your table along with lots of smiles. There is something special about sharing a meal together. My little guy is starting to take an interest in what we are cooking and loves whatever we are eating. There is a true bond that is formed in the kitchen and I wish for you the same moments in your kitchen.

Lately I haven't been feeling a 100%. This is tough for me, because I love to be "doing". When I'm in motion, I feel like I am a productive person and contributing to society. If I need to take a nap, do less, ignore cleaning, then I feel "less than".

The big area that plagues me is asking for help.

Growing up, I was taught to be self sufficient but my needs weren't always met.  Asking for what I needed or wanted was scary. Most likely, it would be shot down as a bad idea or very unreasonable that I would asking for whatever it was. I guess growing up, my needs weren't really considered because the needs of others were top priority. This taught me to take care of others first, and let my needs be swept aside.

I've been working on getting my needs met and speaking my truth for many years now, but when I am sick or not feeling well, it is still a challenge. I feel like a cry-baby and that I'm absolutely lazy, and when I need to relax and take it easy, I feel I'm just absolutely lazy!

It is funny, I have learned from my boyfriend that if I don't act like I'm sick, or lie around asking for help, then I won't get what I need. Even when I am feeling really poorly, I still try to push myself and it usually backfires. I find myself still whining because he won't help me, but it is really my own fault. I am not communicating that I am sick and the poor guy can't tell.

I actually admire how when he is not feeling well, he can lie down and relax and ask me or others for what makes him feel better. I have to be honest and say I am not the most compassionate when this happens, because I feel I can't be that generous with him, because I can't even let myself slack! He'll take care of cooking and/or cleaning, but I still want to micromanage. I appreciate his directness about me because he'll tell me to go sit down. I've learned a lot from him modeling what I should be doing: relaxing. Isn't that what you do when you are sick?!

How many of us have been trained, taught and encouraged to push through when we are low? Who is that helping? Isn't our body telling us something when we don’t feel well? I know I try to remember my body is communicating to me through discomfort, as maybe it means I have been doing too much and I’m supposed to give myself the chance to relax, instead.

There are little signs our bodies give us every day to take care of ourselves. Our bodies are not machines that are just here to power through. We are lucky to  be here and have bodies that process our food, provide fuel to every cell, give us the sensation of touch, help us solve family, community, global problems, fill us with emotions, and so much more.

This post is about how we can honor our bodies more. This means really listening. Our body speaks to us every day with aches and pains, fatigue, excitement, joy and little whispers of ways we can take care of ourselves. So often we get so involved and wrapped up in our lives that we barely listen to the body we are living in. I believe it is the ultimate gift we have been given, and it should be nurtured.

It has taken me many years to see all this and to know that I deserve to be taken care of. We all deserve care, and the person we can always depend on 100% should be ourselves. We know what we need the best, we are the only ones who can hear our body speak, and we are the ones who can implement any best plan of action.

I like to imagine myself as a child, and think about my body talking to me as a little girl. What type of mom would I be? I would like to think I would get on my knee and say "What do you need?" in a way that communicates I really want to know. She may whisper in my ear, talk to me while tears stream down her face, or with such enthusiasm that I can barely understand what she is saying. I may need to ask again what she needs, or what I can do to help because I don't understand, but I know eventually we will figure out something together.

Our bodies are a precious entity that must be taken care of for as long as we are on this planet. Take the time to listen. Give it a break! Take the time to relax, and release the idea that “doing” is the only thing that makes you valuable. Your heart, mind, actions and words give you value, and each new day is an opportunity to share them.

Now it is time to move onto the recipe. One way I listen to my body is tune in to what my body wants to eat. On this particular day I was wanting those crunchy onions that come in a can but thought I'd attempt to make them myself. They are definitely different but satisfied my desire. Kale is a favorite in my house, at least for me. Hope you find this dish satisfying.

 I love recipes that are simple and don't take a lot of time. This recipe is a fun mixture of crunchy and tangy with makes it a nice addition to any meal or enjoyed by itself.

Ingredients
1 egg
1/2 cup of flour
1 cup of sliced mushrooms
1 bunch of kale, chopped
1 tablespoon of canola oil and olive oil
1 tablespoon of butter
1- 2 teaspoons of balsamic vinegar

Instructions:

1. Slice onion and cut slices in half so you have half moon shapes. Take the egg and put in bowl. Beat egg. Place flour on a plate. Add canola oil to a pan, put on medium heat.

2. Dip a half a ring of onion in the egg then in flour. Repeat. Fill pan up with coated onions. Cook till they have a nice brown color. Flipping throughout to prevent burning. Put a paper towel on a plate and place the onions on top. Set aside till kale is ready. (I felt a half an onion was good but if you like more do the whole onion).

3. Chop kale. Heat a pan on medium, add olive and butter. Once melted add mushrooms. Cook till nice and brown. Then add kale and cook 1-2 minutes, mixing frequently.

4. Once kale is tender but still a nice shade of green. Add a teaspoon of balsamic vinegar and mix well. Taste and see if you would like to add another teaspoon. It should be tangy but not over powering.

5. Put kale and mushrooms on a platter and lay crunchy onions on top. Serve warm.

Take a moment to tune in. Tune into to what you need at this juncture. Know that it might be something you are resistant too but it could be just the thing that takes care of your body, mind or spirit. We often don't take the time to listen to what we need. Every moment is an opportunity. Take just a few minutes to see what your body is waiting to tell you.