When I was 19 my mom was killed by a drunk driver. It was devastating. When it happened it felt like razor blades were ripping my insides and I didn't know what to think or feel. Obviously I've had many years to accept the reality that my mom is no longer here and that she won't be coming back. I am not a sad sap running around telling everyone that will listen that my mom is dead. Imagine me standing on a street corner; head cocked back with the back of my hand on my forehead yelling, "Woe is me," with a deep sigh. No that is not me but missing my mom does grace my presence every now and then.
The feelings of missing my mom doesn't come at specific times or warn me when its rearing its head. It just comes, unexpectedly. Maybe I see something about a friend doing something special with their mom, go to a baby shower with happy mothers and daughters or having our birthdays a day apart. And sometimes she just pops into my head and I wonder what life would be like with her.
Many people tell you after you lose someone time heals all wounds. I think it should say something more like time heals all wounds but there is still a scar left behind. People told me not too long after my mom died, "when are you going to get over this?" This made me feel ashamed that I miss her and still have a longing to have my mom in my life. Now I've realized it is okay to wish my mom was still here and feel envious of people that still have theirs in their life.
There isn't much chatter about when you lose somebody you love that you might still miss them many, many years later. I've mostly felt guilt around it. I wanted to burrow away because I thought it was unacceptable to still miss my mom after 15 years. I'm not in utter despair like I was when it first became a reality. Most of my life I am joyous and very satisfied but there are moments or days that it hits me I wish I could share my life with my mom. This is something only people that have lost someone close to them can understand. Otherwise it is really hard to fathom.
People love to tell me she is still here and around me. I know, sometimes I will feel her warmth or grab a smell that helps me know she is around. But to have her physically here we would be amazing! To hear the sound of her voice and have her meet the important people in my life would filled me with abounding joy. That just isn't my reality.
I'm writing this so we can all be okay with knowing we may miss our loved one our whole life and there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean we don't enjoy our life but we sometimes feel a longing to share it with the one or few people that are no longer here. There is nothing to be ashamed about because we loved them! They are loved and remembered because sometimes we find ourselves stricken with the longing to have them be here right now.
Chimichurri Sorghum Salad
Ingredients for the salad:
1 cup of sorghum
3 cups of water or broth
1 cup of feta cheese
2 1/2 cups of finely chopped kale
3/4 cup of dried cranberries
1/4 cup of finely chopped red onions
1/4 cup + 2 Tablespoons of chimichurri sauce (recipe below)
1. Add 3 cups of water and 1 cup of sorghum to a pot. Place a lid on pot and bring water to a boil. Then reduce to heat to low and let simmer for 50-60 minutes or until tender. There might be excess water in the pot when done cooking that is normal; just drain the excess water.
2. While the sorghum is cooking finely chop the kale and red onions. The feta cheese can be cut in to small chunks. Make the chimichurri sauce; instructions below.
3. Once the sorghum is cooked and drained of any excess water let it cool for 5 minutes. Then add the kale, red onions and cranberries. Add a 1/4 cup of chimichurri sauce and taste. Add more to your liking. (I like it with the extra 2 Tablespoons, gives it an extra tang) Then stir in the feta. Serve!!
I love this sauce. This is recipe is from epicurious but this is a sauce from Argentina. The recipe usually has oregano in it but I found this one with cilantro more fitting for the salad. Feel free to use the extra sauce on eggs, swirl it in hummus or whatever tickles your taste buds.
1cup packed fresh Italian parsley
1/2 cup of olive oil
1/3 cup red wine vinegar
1/4 cup packed fresh cilantro
2 garlic cloves, peeled
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon salt
1. Blend all ingredients in a food processor. And done!