I've always been the type that is easy going or just keeping all my emotions inside. I think mostly it was to hide and not be seen. The roll I played in my family was to rescue everyone and tend to their needs. No need to focus on myself. There is two forms of this; avoidance of the icky feelings and co-dependence fumbling over everyone's needs. Well I did them well. I would say I aced both of those roles!
For many, many years I tried to avoid all the feeling that came up about my family, my mom dying, old boyfriends that took advantage of me and going down paths that everyone else thought was good for me. I'm sure there is copious amounts of other things I avoided feeling about too but right now we will stick with these. The point is I was always pretending. Pretending to be something I wasn't, pretending I didn't have all those feelings, pretending I was confident and just playing out a fantasy of myself. I was never really real with anyone because I couldn't be. If I opened the trap door I might never come back I feared. I started to lift the trap door for just a peak. I found if I dealt with a little bit at a time it wouldn't be so daunting. I realized I wouldn't feel like such an impostor in my own body when I could reflect on all these feelings. Everything I had been trying so hard to avoid gradually made it more possible to be me.
Co-dependency wrecked havoc on my entire life. It came to play with family, friendships, and romantic relationships. It followed me around like a gloomy shadow. Raining words of you don't matter, if you can control them you will feel better, do whatever they want even if it makes you feel uncomfortable, don't say no and don't listen to yourself. That isn't the kind of rain you feel refreshed after. It is draining and makes you exhausted. This kept me from really knowing who I was and what I wanted. I thought other people knew best for me and I knew best from them. I could tell you everything the other person should be doing in their life. Little did I know I was depriving other people of being empowered in their life. I also wasn't empowered myself. Boy, has this been a journey. I still struggle with co-dependency but it has gotten a lot better.
So lets bring it back to bringing some spice into our lives. For me right now I'm spicing it up with expressing myself. As I said before that saying what I needed, how I felt or NO was a daunting task or didn't happen at all. Behind the scenes I was feeling resentful, angry at others for telling me what to do or not treating me right.
There was so much fear around saying what I needed or my feelings that I started small. I was like a mouse squeaking. People didn't always understand what I was doing at first and a lot of times I would just say "never mind." There were many modes of practice. What helped me get over the hump of learning to express my needs was anger. A lot of times anger is scary it can take us back to frightening parts of our childhood, seeing people get anger was a place of fear and we never wanted to be that person. Anger harnessed right can be gift. It helps move us from places of comfort to a new reality. Without anger change wouldn't happen in the world. It is a like a rocket that will propel us to the place we want to be. The scary angry isn't necessary but the action angry is catalyst to our new self.
I started getting angry about how I had been letting people treat me, that people didn't understand me because I never told them how I was feeling, and that my journey was to be led by me not what others thought was best for me. My spice started rising with practicing expressing myself. It was scary but after I did it each time I felt free. It was a relief because for so many years I had been keeping it inside. It felt like a tornado inside that I tried so hard for so long to keep down. Each time I shoved it back down it got darker and darker. Upon releasing it I felt more peace and the exhaustion started to where off. I didn't have to fight my feelings inside any more.
When you think about bringing a little spice in your life maybe it can be in the form of being more authentically you! Spice your life up saying what you need. No need to fight yourself anymore. Take a dip in the spicy side and expand your level of comfort into revealing your wants and needs. You'll be pleasantly surprised by the freedom you will feel.
Spicy Kimchi Egg Salad Sandwich
6 eggs, hard boiled
2 1/2 Tablespoons of mayo
Fresh dill, minced
2 teaspoons of garlic powder
1/4 cup - 1/2 cup of kimchi
1 large tomato
1/2 - 1 cup of sprouts
6 slices of bread of your choosing
1. Place all the eggs in a pan and cover with water; at least an inch above the eggs. Turn the heat to medium and bring to a boil. Once the pot hits a boil put lid on and turn heat off. Let sit for 10-15 minutes. Then place eggs in colander and run cold water over them.
2. Peel eggs and chop eggs. Place in a bowl. Mince fresh dill add to eggs. Add garlic powder and mayonnaise to eggs. Mix well.
3. Slice the tomato and avocado. On one slice of bread put 3-4 slices of avocado, a layer of egg salad, a thin layer of kimchi (make a thick layer if you would like it spicier), a couple slices of tomato and a layer of sprouts. Top with another slice of bread. This should make 3-4 sandwiches depending on how much egg salad you use.
Enjoy! This sandwich is a messy but isn't life. I hope it gives your egg salad a little kick and helps you reflect on making your life spicy! Explore that anger that can bring you to the next dimension, say what you need and how you feel. It will set off a spark of relief to be more authentically you!
As always I would love to hear your thoughts or what you think of the recipe! Until next time. Thanks for partaking in my lessons and trying my recipes!