I've been out of touch for a while now. I definitely think about my blog and desire to get back but have been distracted with new jobs and being pregnant. I've been determined to get a post out before this baby makes an appearance.

I've been thinking a lot about change. There has been some very drastic changes in our community and we are about to embark on a new journey of being parents. I live in Santa Rosa California which was hit over four weeks ago by devastating fires that left people running for their lives and our community on edge for weeks. We were some of the lucky ones that didn't have to evacuate but were really close to. It was an experience like no other. Seeing fire surrounding our house in multiple different directions, gathering with our neighbors daily talking about if we were staying  or evacuating, knocks on our door at odd hours warning us about the fires, constant alerts on our phones, breathing masks, keeping our car packed in case we had to evacuate at any moment, worrying about evacuated family members, feeling our heartbreaks as we learned of families losing their homes and grieving the beautiful community we know. Our community was forever changed.

Change is challenging especially when it isn't on our own terms and it is started with something traumatic. I am not an expert on how it is to lose a home, the life you built or fear for your life but I just offer up what comes to me. Grief and trauma changes us forever. They twist us in ways we could never imagine. For me when my mom died by a drunk driver when I was nineteen I couldn't imagine getting out of that funk that I was in for a long time. The waves of change mixed with grief warrant a part of us that we may have never seen or harnessed before. It is scary and there is no way of telling when a flood of emotions will strike. These big life altering changes will take many years of healing and there might always be a hole in our heart that can't be filled but that is okay. This builds our character, our compassion, our resilience and our gratitude of this life. I know for me I have seen over time how my experience has helped shape me into the person I am today and brought me the ability to be compassionate and understanding when others can't. There is no downplaying the pain and sadness but slowly it gets a little better.

I definitely have seen the beauty of our community in helping others and trying to provide others with their immediate needs. That is the great gift of tragedy, the opening of hearts to help others. We can see ourselves in others and find that empathy that we can't always find everyday. I know as I drive around Sonoma County and see the devastation it really takes my heart to a new level. I can't imagine what it is like for the people that live in these different areas but I well up with tears seeing places I used to walk, live, enjoy and have memories. Our beautiful Santa Rosa community continues to come together to support and uplift the people and places affected by the fire. My hope is that the compassion and caring will continue long after the ashes clear because the hardest part of healing is feeling you are alone when others are wrapped up in their own lives.

Another change that is just around the corner is becoming parents. It is such a weird feeling knowing your life is going to change but not really knowing how and what it will be like. That is really what any change is like but this one feels like a big one. There is fear, excitement and wondering when exactly it will happen. I think it is so funny how many people try to prepare you, compare their lives with yours, give unsolicited advice and assume you don't know much. I am amazed by how many people try to instill fear in giving birth, being a parent and how my life is going to change. I'm not trying to be a Pollyanna about becoming a parent but my experience will be my experience and I don't want to take on other people's fears.

I know people want to try to protect me or prepare me for how it might be but in reality we all have our own experiences. I try in my own life to not project my fears onto others. I definitely have my own judgements but I like to keep them to myself, if possible. For me I know I have enough anxiety and worry that I don't need a audience of people telling me what I should worry about.  As we near the arrival of our little man people love to say something about how I am past my due date. They think I want him to come right now or am worried that I am past my due date. In my eyes I see the due date as silly because how could we think we be in charge of when another person should enter this world. I believe he will come exactly on time.

What I've learned is that people have fears from their own experiences and love to share them with me. Others don't always realize that they aren't helpful and can create anxiety for somebody else. I feel lucky I have worked on myself that I try my hardest to let others advice or opinions roll off me like a drop of water on a ducks back. I know their intention is good but I get to create the reality I believe is best for me and my family. This will come up many more times in my life especially with the little man getting ready to make his appearance. I will not always know what is best for him because he is his own individual person. I will have to learn to step back and let him grow into the person he is suppose to be even if it is not what I desire or wish he was doing. I also hope to empower him to listen to himself more than what other people tell him because it took me many years to get to this point. I do find lots of beauty when I can laugh at other people's advice or opinions rather than worry I'm doing it wrong.

There have definitely been some shockers. The biggest one was when I was in Whole Foods. I was wondering around trying figure out what I wanted to eat. I heard a faint, "what are you having?" Then I heard again. I said, "I don't know," because I thought he was talking about my food. Then I realized he was asking about if I was having a boy or girl. I said,"a boy." The elderly man said, "did you want a boy?" I said, "originally we were hoping for a girl but are happy with a boy." He said, "I wanted a girl too but I got a son and I still don't like him." He scampered away saying, "good luck." I was in shock and wanted to say good luck to him because I need no luck in enjoying my son. I definitely was dismayed by this interaction. I wonder why he thought this would help me?

I feel happy that I can step in this change with wonderment and open arms because I really don't know how it is going to be. But I feel blessed that I know I will let the changes unfold how they are suppose to.

Change comes in many forms. There are the unwelcome changes that take us by surprise and we definitely have no control of them. Then there are the changes we plan for but still have no control over. Change happens all the time and our resilience is needed at every opportunity. Sometimes I have to just put my hands out to the universe and say I don't know what I should do. The answers come and a lot of times they come in the form of letting go.

Let's step on over to making a simple recipe that is wrapped with the metaphor of change. It is has a sweet and savory side that mimic how change can have a juicy, sugar-coated side and a more bitter, earthy side. It is absolutely intertwined and they usually come together at different times but the beauty comes in knowing they compliment each other and raise our being to a new level.

This is a great side dish. It would be a great compliment to any Thanksgiving meal. One great thing it is simple but has a well rounded flavor that makes the little cabbages really enjoyable.

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups of brussel sprouts, cut in half
1 1/2 tablespoons of olive oil, to coat the brussel sprouts and walnuts
1 1/2 tablespoons of maple syrup
1 minced garlic clove
1/4 cup of roughly chopped walnuts
1/3 cup of grated gruyere cheese
Dash of salt and pepper

Instructions:
1. Preheat oven to 350˚. Cut brussel sprouts in half and discard any brown leaves. Mince the garlic clove. Roughly chop the walnuts, I prefer leaving them in pretty large pieces.

2. Put brussel sprouts and walnuts on a baking sheet or a ceramic dish. Spread the olive oil, maple syrup and garlic over the top then mix with hands. Add a salt and pepper.

3. Cook brussel sprouts till they have a light brown color, about 20-30 minutes. In the last five minutes spread the cheese over the top so it melts. Serve warm.

Embrace the change and also allow the space to grieve, be sad and mourn for what was. Even when you welcome or seek out change you have no control of the true unfolding. Open up to the transformation of your soul and let the judgements of others blend into the background.

The big news at Dash & Drizzle is a baby is on its way. Due in November. Experiencing this new journey is interesting, intimidating, exciting and sometimes I wonder if it is the right time or if we should be doing this. I know it will be a miracle and such a joy but there is many thoughts and emotions swinging around in my head.

Being pregnant also brings up not having my mom here and how I wish I could share this journey with her. I know her spirit surrounds me daily but there is nothing like having someone's physical presence in your life.

The other day I was thinking about what I have learned from my mom and what has made me grateful that she was my mom. I learned to be a strong independent woman which can be a curse and a blessing. She taught me the joy of laughter and gave me my quirky sense of humor. My mom taught me a lot about caring for others. She was a nurse and cared deeply for her patients and fellow coworkers. I saw her attend to children with a host of ailments and elderly individuals. My mom always brought lots of laughter and heart to her work.

My mom loved spending time with all her children and was great at advocating for our needs. She pushed for special accommodations for my brother who has Down's to be in a regular classroom and speech services. She enjoyed supporting my sister at her swim meets and tried her best to be at as many as she could. I found out after she died that she was taking money out of her 401k so we could go to New York so I could check out NYU. She was willing to sacrifice for us.

Of course, not everything my mom did was magical. There are things that I see now that hindered me. These things used to be so hard to admit because when you lose someone all you want to reflect on is their good qualities. I couldn't even approach the challenging qualities she had for a while. Now I can see them and know that she was doing the best she could at the time. I was put in the parent role a lot, she used me as a confidant to talk about my dad and she sometimes made me feel like I was prude because I was forced into being an adult before it was my time. It is terrifying to put these out in the world because I don't want the reflection of my mom to be these. These are the qualities that I want to try to steer clear of with this little man I'm bringing into the world. I know I won't be perfect but I'll be aware.

Sometimes I think about what I would say to my mom if I had her here for one day. That is impossible to know but I know that I would just be present and enjoy every minute of it. I figure she knows who I am and all that I am so it would just be a day of bliss; enjoying her essence.

I've written her letters in the past to connect with her and sometimes talk to her. I know that she is around me. I do hate that I will have to tell my son what she always told me about her dad. "He would of loved you." I never wanted to have to tell my children that. I really wanted them to know you. I felt like I was just getting to know you myself.

I wish I could share this experience with you. Hear your wisdom of becoming a mom and your excitement when you found out we were having a baby. I guess soon I will know the deep love you had for us. I thank you for being my mom. I wouldn't have asked for anyone else to be my mom. I thank you for doing things different. You married my dad after I was born, you gave birth to me at home, you moved from the Ohio and Texas to California and you lived to laugh.

One of my fondest memories of you is when my uncle bought me a huge blow up penguin. It was probably as big as me. You came to pick me up from school in your red jeep with my sister and that giant penguin in the back seat. I wanted to hide from embarrassment as I saw you guys driving up. I got in the car as quickly as possible. I wanted you to speed away to prevent too many people from seeing me, you, my sister and a huge penguin in your jeep. You and my sister were laughing hysterically. I can enjoy this memory now that I'm not a high schooler.

Sometimes when I think I'm doing things "wrong" or not the way the world says I should; I remember you. It is okay to be different, to do life differently. That is definitely something I want to instill in my son because of you. Also, I remember you inviting your coworkers to holidays and I didn't always like it at the time. I remember your coworker from Africa and he was so kind and generous. He also was gracious to come over after you died to bring us food and tell us how much he loved you. I want to instill that kindness, love, generosity and openness in my son. I may not have you on this earth but I get to pass you on.

It still sometimes makes me sad. This weekend it will be sixteen years since you were hit by a drunk driver. Sometimes I forget the day is coming but there is usually emotions around that time even if I am not aware. I thank you for being my mom. Know you are thought about often and there is still a desire to have you here.

Now onto the recipe for this post. It is a simple recipe with avocado, beets and sprouts on delicious sourdough bread. It reminds me that life is simple. We all want a big house, lots of gadgets, artwork and things but what really matters is the time we spend with one another. This is a gift I have learned from losing my mom so young. I don't need to buy my son a lot of things but spending time with him making memories is the greatest gift.

This recipe is inspired by a local cafe called The Pharmacy. I love this toast they make and had to try to do it myself. I thank them for their inspiration.

One thing I love about eating is, it is a great way to connect with others and even ourselves. So many times we are so busy just waiting to move on to the next thing or seeing what everyone is doing on social media that we forget to be present. Sitting down to eat can be an opportunity to enjoy someone's presence because ultimately we never know how long we get.

Ingredients: (4 servings)
4 slices of sourdough bread
2 avocados
1 teaspoon of olive oil + more for drizzling on top
1 garlic clove, minced
1/2 teaspoon of lemon zest & 1/2 teaspoon lemon juice
1 beet, peeled
1/2 cup of vinegar
1/2 cup of sunflower sprouts
Salt and pepper

Instructions:
1.  Place the beet in a pot of water. Bring to a boil and simmer for 20-30 minutes. Let cool and slice thinly. (I used a mandoline to get nice thin slices but you can slice them with a knife too). Once sliced put in a bowl and cover with the vinegar to marinate while you fix the rest of the ingredients.

2. Cut up the avocado into chunks and place in a bowl. Mash then add minced garlic, lemon zest, lemon juice and a 1/2 teaspoon to 1 teaspoon of olive oil (depends on your preference). Add salt and pepper to taste.

3. Toast bread and roughly chop up the sunflower sprouts. (They should still be large chunks or you can also leave them whole).

4. Assemble the toast. Take the pieces of toast, spread with avocado mixture, layer beets on top, sprinkle with sunflower sprouts, drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle salt and pepper. Enjoy!

In honor of my mom I wish you lots of love, laughter and joy!

Lately I haven't been feeling a 100%. This is tough for me, because I love to be "doing". When I'm in motion, I feel like I am a productive person and contributing to society. If I need to take a nap, do less, ignore cleaning, then I feel "less than".

The big area that plagues me is asking for help.

Growing up, I was taught to be self sufficient but my needs weren't always met.  Asking for what I needed or wanted was scary. Most likely, it would be shot down as a bad idea or very unreasonable that I would asking for whatever it was. I guess growing up, my needs weren't really considered because the needs of others were top priority. This taught me to take care of others first, and let my needs be swept aside.

I've been working on getting my needs met and speaking my truth for many years now, but when I am sick or not feeling well, it is still a challenge. I feel like a cry-baby and that I'm absolutely lazy, and when I need to relax and take it easy, I feel I'm just absolutely lazy!

It is funny, I have learned from my boyfriend that if I don't act like I'm sick, or lie around asking for help, then I won't get what I need. Even when I am feeling really poorly, I still try to push myself and it usually backfires. I find myself still whining because he won't help me, but it is really my own fault. I am not communicating that I am sick and the poor guy can't tell.

I actually admire how when he is not feeling well, he can lie down and relax and ask me or others for what makes him feel better. I have to be honest and say I am not the most compassionate when this happens, because I feel I can't be that generous with him, because I can't even let myself slack! He'll take care of cooking and/or cleaning, but I still want to micromanage. I appreciate his directness about me because he'll tell me to go sit down. I've learned a lot from him modeling what I should be doing: relaxing. Isn't that what you do when you are sick?!

How many of us have been trained, taught and encouraged to push through when we are low? Who is that helping? Isn't our body telling us something when we don’t feel well? I know I try to remember my body is communicating to me through discomfort, as maybe it means I have been doing too much and I’m supposed to give myself the chance to relax, instead.

There are little signs our bodies give us every day to take care of ourselves. Our bodies are not machines that are just here to power through. We are lucky to  be here and have bodies that process our food, provide fuel to every cell, give us the sensation of touch, help us solve family, community, global problems, fill us with emotions, and so much more.

This post is about how we can honor our bodies more. This means really listening. Our body speaks to us every day with aches and pains, fatigue, excitement, joy and little whispers of ways we can take care of ourselves. So often we get so involved and wrapped up in our lives that we barely listen to the body we are living in. I believe it is the ultimate gift we have been given, and it should be nurtured.

It has taken me many years to see all this and to know that I deserve to be taken care of. We all deserve care, and the person we can always depend on 100% should be ourselves. We know what we need the best, we are the only ones who can hear our body speak, and we are the ones who can implement any best plan of action.

I like to imagine myself as a child, and think about my body talking to me as a little girl. What type of mom would I be? I would like to think I would get on my knee and say "What do you need?" in a way that communicates I really want to know. She may whisper in my ear, talk to me while tears stream down her face, or with such enthusiasm that I can barely understand what she is saying. I may need to ask again what she needs, or what I can do to help because I don't understand, but I know eventually we will figure out something together.

Our bodies are a precious entity that must be taken care of for as long as we are on this planet. Take the time to listen. Give it a break! Take the time to relax, and release the idea that “doing” is the only thing that makes you valuable. Your heart, mind, actions and words give you value, and each new day is an opportunity to share them.

Now it is time to move onto the recipe. One way I listen to my body is tune in to what my body wants to eat. On this particular day I was wanting those crunchy onions that come in a can but thought I'd attempt to make them myself. They are definitely different but satisfied my desire. Kale is a favorite in my house, at least for me. Hope you find this dish satisfying.

 I love recipes that are simple and don't take a lot of time. This recipe is a fun mixture of crunchy and tangy with makes it a nice addition to any meal or enjoyed by itself.

Ingredients
1 egg
1/2 cup of flour
1 cup of sliced mushrooms
1 bunch of kale, chopped
1 tablespoon of canola oil and olive oil
1 tablespoon of butter
1- 2 teaspoons of balsamic vinegar

Instructions:

1. Slice onion and cut slices in half so you have half moon shapes. Take the egg and put in bowl. Beat egg. Place flour on a plate. Add canola oil to a pan, put on medium heat.

2. Dip a half a ring of onion in the egg then in flour. Repeat. Fill pan up with coated onions. Cook till they have a nice brown color. Flipping throughout to prevent burning. Put a paper towel on a plate and place the onions on top. Set aside till kale is ready. (I felt a half an onion was good but if you like more do the whole onion).

3. Chop kale. Heat a pan on medium, add olive and butter. Once melted add mushrooms. Cook till nice and brown. Then add kale and cook 1-2 minutes, mixing frequently.

4. Once kale is tender but still a nice shade of green. Add a teaspoon of balsamic vinegar and mix well. Taste and see if you would like to add another teaspoon. It should be tangy but not over powering.

5. Put kale and mushrooms on a platter and lay crunchy onions on top. Serve warm.

Take a moment to tune in. Tune into to what you need at this juncture. Know that it might be something you are resistant too but it could be just the thing that takes care of your body, mind or spirit. We often don't take the time to listen to what we need. Every moment is an opportunity. Take just a few minutes to see what your body is waiting to tell you.

I think I was born with a compassionate heart but I'm sure a lot of children are. When I was young I wanted to adopt ten children, become a pediatrician and open up free clinics all over the world. My mom thought I was crazy and would try to reason with me about the all the faults in my plans. All I wanted to be was of service to others.

I unfortunately I didn't accomplish everyone of those goals or reach all those achievements but I like to think I still have that big heart. I do cry a lot at movies, commercials, when people are super nice and of course, when I'm sad. I like to think that means I can empathize with others in humanity. I also babysit foster kids, work with clients who have eating disorders and am always finding ways to help spread love.

I enjoy being that nice friendly soul. I fought it for a long time because I was tired of hearing people say how nice and sweet I was. It was annoying to me because it felt like I had no depth. Also, I was nice to my detriment. It was more from a place of fear that others wouldn't like me. If I let them copy my homework or say yes to whatever they wanted then they would surely like me. It was when I started taking care of myself that things changed. Learning self-care techniques, learning what I truly want, who I am, to say no to things that don't suit me then I could actually be a "REAL" nice person. I could be nice in a way that was genuine.

This world has been an interesting place lately and it makes me wonder where is all the love? It makes me want to be even more loving and kind to people I encounter. Every Christmas Eve where I live I get my neighbors something and leave it outside their door with an attached note saying how much I appreciate living by them. This year I took it one step further and knocked on their doors to give them their gifts. For me this was a little harder because I had to look them in the eyes. My neighbors are awesome but to be honest we don't always engage in many conversations. It is usually just a casual hello here and there.  There is a couple Mexican families that speak small amounts of English, except their kids are avid English speakers, a family from Indian and an African American woman. I knocked on each one of their doors and gave a smile as I said Feliz Navidad or Merry Christmas and thanks for being my neighbor. It was much more profound seeing everyone's surprise and smiles. This is the kind of world I want to live in.

Obviously, I'm not the kindest person in the world and some moments I'm not kind at all but the world is looking for our kindness. The other day I was riding my bike on the sidewalk and I pulled over to let a Hispanic man and his daughter walk by. As the man was starting to pass me he had his head hanging low and didn't make eye contact. Then I said, "hello." He looked up, smiled and said hello back. This situation just made me think about how some people might be fearful in the state we are in. This brings sorrow to my heart.

We are humans first and foremost. I love the diversity that people bring. It warms my heart. There is so much I can learn from others with different stories. This can only happen when we reach out. When me make eye contact and smile, say hello, welcome a neighbor or make a small gesture showing our humanity.

It is interesting how when I start thinking about a subject many opportunities pop up so I can see it in many different lights. This week I shared my story about my life in an Alanon meeting and the topic of judgement came up. People shared how if they saw me on the street they would think I had an easy, amazing life. I can see why they think that. I have a calm, sweet demeanor, dress up every chance I get and exude confidence. This was something I was born with, except the confidence part. On the outside I can seem all put together but really my background was filled with a lot of disappointed and torment. It still creeps in sometimes but I've had many years to change my views. This shows we never know what another person has struggled with or is struggling with.

The real story here is that we are all so similar. We can see the outward appearance of somebody and judge them. Their differences may scare us and make us stir clear of somebody completely dissimilar from us. What if we embraced their differences? Make a little extra effort to get to know somebody that doesn't live the way we do or look the way we do. It can change your life.

It is so easy to surround ourselves in our safe little bubble but when we reach out healing starts. Healing for you and the other person, healing for the town you live in, state, country and world. It may sound silly that one interaction can make such a difference but it can ripple through the world.

I may think the shows my neighbors watch are weird or not understand how they leave the laundry room so dirty. But when I see their birthday parties filled with so much love or the smile on their face when they see their kid I know we are all the same.

I challenge you to find more similarities in others than differences. We live in a world that can sometimes be disheartening and mind-boggling that we could all use a smile from a stranger. Awaken the love inside for people that just want the same as you, to be loved, to be safe and have their needs met.

The matrix of the crust on the veggie bottom quiche reminds me of how we are all intertwined and that is what makes us strong. Our differences. It creates a foundation that can hold the mass of eggs, veggies and cheese. Cooking the quiche creates a firm, cohesive bound that can only be broken with a knife. Showing that our society benefits from the melding of everyone's differences. It can never be broken only transformed into a slice that is given with love. Now onward to veggie bottom quiche.

Ingredients:
1 kohlrabi, shredded
2 carrots, shredded (I used a purple and orange one)
1/2 cup chopped mushrooms
1 onion, chopped, caramelized
1 cup chopped fresh spinach
1 cup shredded cheese (I used fontina)
4 eggs
1/2 cup of milk
1 teaspoon of salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1/4 cup of fresh dill, minced
2 tablespoon of olive oil
1-2 tablespoons of butter

Instructions:
1. Preheat oven to 350˚. Chop onion. Add a 1/2 tablespoon of oil to the pan and add onions. Let them caramelize while you get the rest of the ingredients ready.

2. Shred the kohlrabi and carrots. I use a grater but you can also you the attachment on your food processor to make it easier. Oil bottom of a pie pan, make sure the bottom and sides are covered with oil. (You can also you use butter if you like). Press shredded the mixture of carrots and kohlrabi in the bottom of the pan. Cook for 10 minutes. This is to take some of the moisture out.

3. Once onions are nice and brown add the chopped mushrooms. Add a tablespoon of butter too. Cook for 5-10 minutes, till mushrooms have lost most of their moisture. Set aside.

4. Using a large bowl add eggs and milk. Whisk together. Add the spinach, cheese, salt, pepper and onion/mushroom mixture.

5. Pour on top of the kohlrabi/carrot crust. Cook for 30 minutes, you can put a toothpick in the center and it comes out clean and it is brown on top. Let cool 5-10 minutes. Serve.

As you sit down to eat take a moment to absorb all the people you encountered today. You may not have talked to them but maybe you exchanged a smile or a glance. Try to imagine the diversity that surrounds you in your community and how it benefits you. Maybe there is a Dia de los Muertos celebration you love, you love eating Indian food, you shop at a store that stocks things from around the world or you have a neighbor that you love that is very different from you.

Now imagine if none of that existed. How would your life be? Send a special thanks to the people that are different from you because they make your life richer. This recipe would be bland if it weren't for all the variety of vegetables, spices and cheese. Just like our world would be dull without the many beautiful cultures, religions, traditions and people. I give thanks to you for stopping by.

Darkness can be overwhelming when we see no hope. Where does the light come from? How do we get there? How do we rise? I've been thinking about this as the days get shorter and how the world is showing up right now. The darkness can be oppressing - swirling around making it hard to breath or even get up again.

Mother nature is always a great example. Look at the devastation of a fire. The angry flames burn everything in its sight, engulfing anything  is in its path. A tree will wither from the magnitude of the heat and firey red flames. Come back months later and the ground will still be blackened and stained from the fire, but there will be sprouts of life. Green seedlings start anew, utilizing the blackened earth below for its nutrients.

My heart has been disheartened lately with the state of affairs going on, but I know I need to stay in the solution; the faith and the knowing that lightness will always win out.

I believe we come to this earth to make a difference and change it for the better, at least that is what I feel my mission is. So I take a gander at my past to be reminded that the positive always wins. It may not be visible when you are in the fire, but eventually the light will come peer through to guide you ahead to the triumph.

Reflection- what a gift! When we are in the midst of a firey storm we can't always see how it will serve us. I know there are many times in my life when I saw no hope, or how a certain situation could provide me with wisdom or be just the thing that would turn around and serve someone else.

Rising. We always must rise. Rise above the circumstance, above the judgement, above what we think about ourselves, above what the world tells us. We rise! I see in my own life where I've had to rise many times.

The big mountain was when my mom died. I was 19 and just flaying around in my own life.  Then the bomb of her death put me in a tail spin. It took me many years to rise because I was devestated and didn't think anyone cared any more. The rising was on a daily basis, putting one step in front of the other, slowly finding the beauty in life; stepping into a purpose and a joy.

The bright light shown down on me when I started relating to people that had experienced loss. It gave me compassion I didn't have before she died. It gave me connection with people I wouldn't normally have a deep connection with.  I could relate to the deep, cutting pain, and the longing to have a special person back in your life. Because of that experience,  I am now able to give a gift to others that not everybody can, and that is the gift of understanding, love and compassion in the face of death.

Another triumph of the light was during the trial of the drunk driver that killed my mom. There was anticipation everytime I was waiting outside of the court rooms doors. Mulling in the court room with a group of strangers for a variety of cases I often felt alone and paralyzed. The sudden, great shock when I happened to sit next to the very driver responsible for taking my mom's life. The drop in my heart everytime they postponed the trial. It felt like they were constantly stretching out the agony.

I worked up the courage to actually write a letter saying I forgive the man who's drinking and driving and took my mom's life. Heart ponding, I found him after court. No words of apology slipped off his tongue; just remorse for his ruined life. Definitely not the response I was looking for.

The trial went on for years and he got off, however,  another letter and a call notified us that he was caught drinking and driving again. There was still a stirring of anger in my bones and it was awakened even more when I was asked to come to court and speak in front of the judge. This time a lady fro MADD would be there to support me. What do I say? How to I convey my hurt and pain of losing my mom? Funny thing is I remember going into the courtroom that day and people talking to me. I can still picture standing in front of the judge but the words that came out of my mouth are locked in that time. I do not remember what I said. I did feel triumphant and empowered that I was able to stand up for the justice that I thought he deserved. There was a ray of sunshine that prevailed in my life that day.

The true light came when years later, my dad told me that he got a call saying the man that hit my mom drunk driving was getting out early. Anger rose up in my body, I could feel it in my bones. I was ready to put up my arms and fight. Unfair and unjust, I thought! I talked to the district attorney but his response was so disheartening, he sounded like he had lost all passion for life. I got off the phone feeling defeated. I started recalling the pain of going to court, the emotions it stirred up, the anxiety that it brought to my life. I realized I should lay down and surrender. That man hopefully felt remorse and had time to contemplate what he caused. He may not have any sense of repentance but I cannot change that. I came to comprehend that it created more pain and dispair for me to continue to go to court. Did my mom want me to continue to fight? Did she want me to wrestle with myself and spend my time in court rooms?

I don't think she does, and I surrendered. That was a gift that I do not regret. The positive, always wins, if we look deep enough. We can't always see it when we are blinded by our victimhood, pain, despair, anger, grief, desire for venegance but it is there. It will be revealed at just the right time.

These two stories have taught me that there are different kinds of ways to fight the darkness.

Sometimes it means pushing forward, being willing to step even when our hearts are dragging on the ground. Other times it means stepping back. That the fight is what is holding us back. Standing in the belief that justice will prevail.

There are more stories in my life that I have learned to mine for the wisdom offered. The benefit will somehow appear as we have compassion for each other, just like I am gifted with now after losing my mom. The true gift is manifested when we no longer want to hurt ourselves to see someone else fall.

As I write this fifteen years later, I wish that man well. He will never know how drastically he changed my life but I'm sure it changed his too. I know the light will triumph. I hope to see it more and more in our world. I know it can as we stand together with our hearts bearing our souls, just like that women who stood with me in that courtroom that day.

As people have done in communities for thousands of years, let's share a meal together. The dinner table should be a place of love, of caring, and a way to nourish our souls. I have a special recipe that wraps the lightness and darkness together because we need them both to help our journey unfold.

The recipe below is a comforting coconut based soup with a multitude of vegetables and black rice noodles. The recipe engulfs the balance of yin and yang, showing us that the darkness may be below, but the creamy goodness will always rise to the top!

Happy Winter Solstice!

This recipe is a treat. I love the variety of vegetables and the bounty of colors. It is great on a cold winter night to keep you warm and fill up your belly.

Ingredients:                                                

1 can of full fat coconut milk
2 1/2 cups of vegetable broth
1 stalk lemongrass, cut in 3 pieces
1/2-1 inch of ginger, peeled and sliced
2 garlic cloves, minced
Zest of 1/2 lime
Juice of 1 lime
1 delicata squash, cleaned and cut in chunks with skin left on
1 cup of mushrooms, sliced
4 green onions, chopped
3-4 easter radishes, sliced
1/2 block of extra firm tofu, cut in chunks
2 blocks of black ramen forbidden rice noodles
2 Tablespoons olive oil
1/4 cup cilantro, chopped
salt to sprinkle of vegetables

Instructions:
1. Add coconut milk, veggie broth, lemongrass, ginger, garlic and lime zest to a large pot. Bring to a boil then simmer for 30 minutes. Add tofu to the broth during the last five minutes to warm them up and add flavor to them.

2. Chop delicata squash into small chunks. Add one tablespoon of olive oil to a pan on medium heat, add delicata squash. Sprinkle with salt. Cook till lightly brown and place in a bowl.

3. Bring a pot of water to boil. Add noodles, cook for 5-10 minutes. The water will turn a light shade of black. Drain and place noodles in the bowls you will be serving the soup in.

4. Using the same pan you cooked the delicata, add another tablespoon of oil and the mushrooms. Cook till brown. Put them to the side with the delicata squash.

5. Slice the radishes. Chop the cilantro and green onions.

6. Once the broth is done cooking add it to the bowls with the noodles, removing the lemongrass and ginger slices. Top each bowl with the mushrooms, delicata squash, green onions, easter radishes and sprinkle with cilantro. Squeeze a little lime over each bowl. Serve warm.

Take the time to breath in the smell of your coconut soup and look to this winter solstice for guidance. Reflect on where the light has shown through your life. Maybe there are areas of your life that were riddled with darkness that the light hasn't come through yet. Catch a little glimpse of the that light. Breath out knowing you can be the light of the world.