Since my little one turned one about a week ago I thought it would be the perfect time to reflect on what this year has taught me and brought me. I remember knowing he would be born on the 15th; I actually had no doubt he wouldn't be. Call it mother's intuition or whatever you will; I would say it was being in tune with his little spirit.

Labor and giving birth were a trying experience to say the least. We had planned on a birthing class but everything got interrupted with Santa Rosa being on fire. This made it a challenge to write a birth plan let alone know what to put down. I would say I pretty much copied the example given to me. I wish the midwives would of talked to me more about it but somethings are just made for learning.

His birth had moments of magic. When my partner and I were alone dancing and swaying through my contractions. I could of stayed in that space for forever. I saw his tenderness and love for me in a whole new way.

What I learned through his birth was that I can always advocate more for myself . Scare tactics don't work for me and I could of used more encouragement during the process. Also, I've always known I was a modest person but I didn't realize how more people coming into the room without warning could affect my progress. Even though by the end I was so exhausted that I didn't care anymore who was looking at my lady parts. It was still important for somebody to acknowledge more people were entering the room.

I can tell you that it wasn't love at first sight for me. It was more like what the hell happened and who the hell are all these people. Then there was endless pressing on my stomach that was almost worse than giving birth that made it challenging to enjoy the moment. Also, it felt like there were incessant amounts of talking along with concern about the amount of blood I was losing. Looking back I undeniably was a champion doing all this without anything to dull the pain. It is another worldly experience. Giving birth gave me a new appreciation for women and how strong we all are.

I do remember sitting in the back of the car with him on the way home from the hospital after getting me all put together and feeling very intrigued by who this person is and how he will change my life. The love for him has grown more and more over time. It is such a marvelous process and I absolutely adore him.

Another favorite moment was coming home from the hospital early in the morning. All three of us got in bed. Our little man on his dad's chest and we all took a nap. It was hard to believe that this little being was ours to help guide and take care of.

There was some trying circumstances with needing to move shortly after he was born but that is in another post.

It has been a joy to watch this little human discover his world. Lights, fans, hands, toys, our dogs and the fascination it all brings. His world is so exciting. I get to see my world through the best eyes.

There are moments of absolute infatuation and times where all I really need is a break. There is also fear that I will make a mistake and ruin this little being. I want to protect him. I want him to know he is always loved and cared for. There are fears from my childhood that I don't want repeated, along with my insecurities and faults. I try and remind myself that I'm doing things different than my parents. I work hard on self-awareness even though I will never reach perfection.

It brings some grief too. Wishing my mom was apart of his life like his father's family. I can feel a ting of jealously when it feels like my mother-in-law sees herself as the only grandma because I still see my mom as his grandma too. She is here. I wish her physicality was here.

There is also some grief about the rest of my family not being as thrilled about him as I envisioned. I had the expectation that they would want to be apart of his life and adore him the way we do. That is not the case but when dysfunction runs rampant in your family there is no guarantees.

I've learned to run on less sleep than I've ever thought was possible and be patient more than I thought anybody could. Sometimes I even amaze myself but then there are times when it hard to contain the frustration boiling inside me. I can act like a child myself but at least I've learned more and more to ask for help, that even a minute of self-care is worth it and deep breathing is necessary.

I definitely feel lucky his soul choose us. I want to be a better person because of him. I want to try to teach him things I never received growing up. I want him to know he is loved no matter what his behaviors exhibit, to learn to take care of himself, to see other's words and behaviors as a reflection of what is going on inside them; not about him, to speak up, to always see the adventure even if there is lots of darkness around, to keep the joy and excitement alive and be true to himself. As I write these I know this is what I need to do for myself and model because being the example is the biggest challenge of motherhood.

Being a mom literally cracks you open. It can be frightening and make some of us retreat into to old habits or expand into new territory. This little person pulls at your heart strings and very often your pant leg. Sometimes there is no letting up and you are just hoping their eyes will close and their breathing will calm so you can stare at the television or your phone for a second. To have a moment of zoning out.

I have found it to take a while to get back to myself and rediscover me. It is easy to get lost in his world but for me to thrive I need to keep me alive. I know that someday he will be reaching for the stars and I need to keep reaching for mine. I know I am a way better mom when I take to my passions and get some self-care.

Working is a balancing act in of itself. Especially for me because I usually have multiple jobs. It is a balance with the range of emotions it brings. My emotions have run the gamete. Wishing I didn't have to go to work and also enjoying a little bit of me being me.

Some of the hardest moments are when I wish the world treated me differently or had more compassion for what moms do. Pumping at work, leaving your baby, trying to make sure you are fed, keeping the house running, taking care of the dogs, your brain not functioning at the same capacity, all while your hormones are attempting to balance themselves. It can be overwhelming. I guess the true root is finding the compassion for myself because truly no one can read my mind or know what all is going on with me.

I've made some hard decisions too with choosing to work less. It seems easy but it is challenging because my self worth is tied a lot to what I am doing in my career. My choice stems a lot from having death lurking through my late teenage years. Losing my mom young has brought the perspective of wanting to spend as much time with him while keeping my feet in my career world. My mom loved to shop and buy things but all I wanted was more time with her. There is also a small place in my brain that wonders how long I will be around. My hope is for a long time. Death does funny things to you but I am thankful it has raised my awareness of the preciousness of being a major part of this little guys life.

This last year has been a hurricane of emotions but I wouldn't change it. I stare at his little face in aware of who he is, who he'll become and that I get to be a big part of his life. This is the beauty of life. It is a sacred gift to bring a human being into this world. They remind you everyday of the wonder and miracles that are here in every moment.

This is a perfect salad for the holiday season. It is warm which provides so much comfort during the cold days and night. It has an array of flavors and a beautiful display.

This salad is a perfect reminder of life's journey that we are all on. We all travel rough terrain but like the sweetness of cranberries and honey there is lots of joy drizzled through out our days. Sometimes the joy comes in every bite or balanced throughout multiple bites. Savor the joy as much as the rough terrain because it all comes together to make a beautiful dish.

Ingredients:
1 bunch of  julienne purple kale
1 chopped shallot
1/2 cup of roughly chopped pecans*
1/2 cup of dried cranberries*
1 tablespoon of olive oil
1-2 teaspoons of balsamic vinegar
1-2 teaspoons of honey
salt to taste

Directions:

1. Julienne the kale, chop the shallot and roughly chop the pecans.

2. Warm the olive oil over medium heat. Toss the shallot in the pan and cook for 3-5 minutes until they become soft. Add the kale. Cook for a 2-3 minutes till the kale is a softer.

3. Add the pecans and cranberries. Cook a few minutes. Add the balsamic vinegar. I added a dash, then taste it to see if I need more.

4. Then drizzle with honey. Sprinkle a little salt. Serve warm.

*There is a large amount of nuts and cranberries to kale ratio. I love the crunch and texture it gives the salad but you can always use less if you prefer.

Cheers to you my friends! I cherish the moments around my table with people I love. I hope this salad brings love and light to your table along with lots of smiles. There is something special about sharing a meal together. My little guy is starting to take an interest in what we are cooking and loves whatever we are eating. There is a true bond that is formed in the kitchen and I wish for you the same moments in your kitchen.

Sometimes the strong hold of codependency has me down until I tap out. It is the "Miss Know It All" syndrome where I think I know what is best for other people. It has special ties to people that are close to me. I definitely have worked on this trait for many years but it still has tentacles wrapped around certain people in my life.

The strong hold is especially tight when I feel like someone is doing something wrong in their life or their behavior seems to affect me. I want to judge them, make them feel bad when I think they aren't doing what they are suppose to be (per my judgement), be sarcastic about their behavior, belittle them and undeniably punish them all in the name of helping them change. Of course there is also the thinking that if we talk about it over and over that they will get it. Why wouldn't this work? It makes me chuckle inside just saying this. This is obviously a DUH moment. How many of us respond well when people treat us this way? I know I don't.

When someone treats me like they know what is best for me, I think they are so rude and I don't want to listen to anything they have to say. It is actually hurtful because it feels like they don't entrust my own life to me and that I am not smart enough to navigate my own life.

I was taught to rescue. Growing up in an alcoholic home there is lots of chaos. A way to feel safe is to focus on other people then you don't have to focus on yourself. When you are constantly deflecting you lose sight of you and usually become resentful because you aren't getting your needs met. And you think you are "helping" someone when that is just delusion talking.

I realize it is like forcing a plant to flower. You hover over it, water it, give it food, pick off dead leaves but if it isn't its time to flower or it doesn't want to then it won't. Who made me think I could be in control of others? Well I did or was put in that role many times growing up. Sometimes people love it when you are codependent because they don't have to take responsibility for their life and it is a way for people to point the finger at you when they get annoyed with something you are doing or their life didn't turn out the way they wanted. The responsibility of their life is put on you.

Really for me all this comes down to fear. When I feel life is out of control I pick up my magnifying glass and nit pick others. If I can help them everything will be okay. The chaos will calm down and I will feel fine. It's an illusion. People will never really follow my plans for them and I'm actually glad for that. Because I hate following what other people think is best for me.

To be truthful sometimes it is scary to focus on me. I have as much to learn as the next person and sometimes it is the last thing I want to look at. That is why it is easier to look at others and how wrong they are. I can just blind myself with constant deflection but then I never live my life or enjoy my life. My happiness resides in me and I'm the only one that can make my happiness possible.

I embark over and over on this journey to focus on me. I'm really wobbly at times and can barely find my footing but other times I experience the freedom. There is a peace and love for myself that glimmers through when I can keep the focus on me. I can only make myself happy and I can only contribute to the betterment of others when I am filled up with my own self-love.

Now lets get our recipe on. This is a fun simple recipe and has a little bit of adaptogen herbs in it for those times when you are stressing and judging. Let this yummy snack help you sink into peace and self-love. You know when we are focusing on others really we need to turn to ourselves and focus some love on ourselves. Because the person that is hurting is us. Give yourself this luscious creamy snack as a treat for the amazing human being you are!

This recipe does have a couple different steps to it: making the yogurt,  making the walnuts, and pureeing the blueberries. You can obviously buy plain store bought yogurt and make the other two to cut back on time. Not to worry it'll be just as yummy. I thought it would be fun to share how to make yogurt in case anyone wants to have another foodie adventure.

**Note I do have a yogurt maker so you may need to purchase one to make your yogurt. There are also different strains that don't require a yogurt maker that you can just leave on the counter to ferment.

Yogurt Recipe
Ingredients:

• 1 quart of milk (for my yogurt maker I found 2 1/2 cups is the perfect amount but I would start with a quart and see if you have any left over)
• 2-3 Tablespoons of greek yogurt or I got my yogurt starters on Culture for Health

Instructions:
1. Heat the quart of milk to 160°. You want to keep an eye on it and take its temperature regularly to make sure you don't over heat it. Once it hits 160º pour into a glass bowl or pitcher and cool to 110º.

2. Once cooled to 110º mix in 2-3 Tablespoons of yogurt.

3. For my yogurt maker I pour the mixture into individual jars and cover it with the lid then incubate in yogurt maker for 5-8 hours.

4. Check it frequently to see if yogurt has set. You can tell it is ready when the yogurt moves away from the side in one large mass instead of running up the side. (Mine usually takes five hours).

5. Once the yogurt has set cover it and allow it to cool for two hours. After two hours put it in the refrigerator for 6 hours before enjoying. (Do save 2-3 Tablespoons to make yogurt again in a week. You do need to make it every week so it can be a commitment).

Maca Honey Glazed Walnuts
Maca is a great adaptogenic herb that helps with energy, stress and balancing your hormones. It is a favorite in my house.

Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups walnuts
1 tablespoon butter
3 tablespoons honey
1 teaspoon of maca powder

Instructions:
1. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and set to the side.

2. Melt butter over medium heat. Mix in honey and whisk in maca powder. Then add the nuts.

3. Cook over medium heat for 5 minutes, stirring often until coated and toasted.

4. Pour nuts onto the lined baking sheet and quickly separate the nuts using a spatula or fork. Let cool and enjoy on yogurt or as a snack.

Blueberries and Chia Seeds
 
Ingredients:
1 cup of fresh blueberries
2 - 4 Tablespoons of chia seeds (use as little or as much as you would like)

Instructions:

1. Puree the blueberries in a blender until smooth. (The blueberries coagulate when you put them in the fridge. You just have to mix it up well if you put it in the fridge before using it.)

2. Assemble yogurt bowl with yogurt, walnuts, blueberry puree and chia seeds.

Do one of these recipes, all of them at once but most importantly  make it easy and work for you. It is a great way to start using your intuition for what is best for you. The more we focus on ourselves the more we make the world a better place.

I've been out of touch for a while now. I definitely think about my blog and desire to get back but have been distracted with new jobs and being pregnant. I've been determined to get a post out before this baby makes an appearance.

I've been thinking a lot about change. There has been some very drastic changes in our community and we are about to embark on a new journey of being parents. I live in Santa Rosa California which was hit over four weeks ago by devastating fires that left people running for their lives and our community on edge for weeks. We were some of the lucky ones that didn't have to evacuate but were really close to. It was an experience like no other. Seeing fire surrounding our house in multiple different directions, gathering with our neighbors daily talking about if we were staying  or evacuating, knocks on our door at odd hours warning us about the fires, constant alerts on our phones, breathing masks, keeping our car packed in case we had to evacuate at any moment, worrying about evacuated family members, feeling our heartbreaks as we learned of families losing their homes and grieving the beautiful community we know. Our community was forever changed.

Change is challenging especially when it isn't on our own terms and it is started with something traumatic. I am not an expert on how it is to lose a home, the life you built or fear for your life but I just offer up what comes to me. Grief and trauma changes us forever. They twist us in ways we could never imagine. For me when my mom died by a drunk driver when I was nineteen I couldn't imagine getting out of that funk that I was in for a long time. The waves of change mixed with grief warrant a part of us that we may have never seen or harnessed before. It is scary and there is no way of telling when a flood of emotions will strike. These big life altering changes will take many years of healing and there might always be a hole in our heart that can't be filled but that is okay. This builds our character, our compassion, our resilience and our gratitude of this life. I know for me I have seen over time how my experience has helped shape me into the person I am today and brought me the ability to be compassionate and understanding when others can't. There is no downplaying the pain and sadness but slowly it gets a little better.

I definitely have seen the beauty of our community in helping others and trying to provide others with their immediate needs. That is the great gift of tragedy, the opening of hearts to help others. We can see ourselves in others and find that empathy that we can't always find everyday. I know as I drive around Sonoma County and see the devastation it really takes my heart to a new level. I can't imagine what it is like for the people that live in these different areas but I well up with tears seeing places I used to walk, live, enjoy and have memories. Our beautiful Santa Rosa community continues to come together to support and uplift the people and places affected by the fire. My hope is that the compassion and caring will continue long after the ashes clear because the hardest part of healing is feeling you are alone when others are wrapped up in their own lives.

Another change that is just around the corner is becoming parents. It is such a weird feeling knowing your life is going to change but not really knowing how and what it will be like. That is really what any change is like but this one feels like a big one. There is fear, excitement and wondering when exactly it will happen. I think it is so funny how many people try to prepare you, compare their lives with yours, give unsolicited advice and assume you don't know much. I am amazed by how many people try to instill fear in giving birth, being a parent and how my life is going to change. I'm not trying to be a Pollyanna about becoming a parent but my experience will be my experience and I don't want to take on other people's fears.

I know people want to try to protect me or prepare me for how it might be but in reality we all have our own experiences. I try in my own life to not project my fears onto others. I definitely have my own judgements but I like to keep them to myself, if possible. For me I know I have enough anxiety and worry that I don't need a audience of people telling me what I should worry about.  As we near the arrival of our little man people love to say something about how I am past my due date. They think I want him to come right now or am worried that I am past my due date. In my eyes I see the due date as silly because how could we think we be in charge of when another person should enter this world. I believe he will come exactly on time.

What I've learned is that people have fears from their own experiences and love to share them with me. Others don't always realize that they aren't helpful and can create anxiety for somebody else. I feel lucky I have worked on myself that I try my hardest to let others advice or opinions roll off me like a drop of water on a ducks back. I know their intention is good but I get to create the reality I believe is best for me and my family. This will come up many more times in my life especially with the little man getting ready to make his appearance. I will not always know what is best for him because he is his own individual person. I will have to learn to step back and let him grow into the person he is suppose to be even if it is not what I desire or wish he was doing. I also hope to empower him to listen to himself more than what other people tell him because it took me many years to get to this point. I do find lots of beauty when I can laugh at other people's advice or opinions rather than worry I'm doing it wrong.

There have definitely been some shockers. The biggest one was when I was in Whole Foods. I was wondering around trying figure out what I wanted to eat. I heard a faint, "what are you having?" Then I heard again. I said, "I don't know," because I thought he was talking about my food. Then I realized he was asking about if I was having a boy or girl. I said,"a boy." The elderly man said, "did you want a boy?" I said, "originally we were hoping for a girl but are happy with a boy." He said, "I wanted a girl too but I got a son and I still don't like him." He scampered away saying, "good luck." I was in shock and wanted to say good luck to him because I need no luck in enjoying my son. I definitely was dismayed by this interaction. I wonder why he thought this would help me?

I feel happy that I can step in this change with wonderment and open arms because I really don't know how it is going to be. But I feel blessed that I know I will let the changes unfold how they are suppose to.

Change comes in many forms. There are the unwelcome changes that take us by surprise and we definitely have no control of them. Then there are the changes we plan for but still have no control over. Change happens all the time and our resilience is needed at every opportunity. Sometimes I have to just put my hands out to the universe and say I don't know what I should do. The answers come and a lot of times they come in the form of letting go.

Let's step on over to making a simple recipe that is wrapped with the metaphor of change. It is has a sweet and savory side that mimic how change can have a juicy, sugar-coated side and a more bitter, earthy side. It is absolutely intertwined and they usually come together at different times but the beauty comes in knowing they compliment each other and raise our being to a new level.

This is a great side dish. It would be a great compliment to any Thanksgiving meal. One great thing it is simple but has a well rounded flavor that makes the little cabbages really enjoyable.

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups of brussel sprouts, cut in half
1 1/2 tablespoons of olive oil, to coat the brussel sprouts and walnuts
1 1/2 tablespoons of maple syrup
1 minced garlic clove
1/4 cup of roughly chopped walnuts
1/3 cup of grated gruyere cheese
Dash of salt and pepper

Instructions:
1. Preheat oven to 350˚. Cut brussel sprouts in half and discard any brown leaves. Mince the garlic clove. Roughly chop the walnuts, I prefer leaving them in pretty large pieces.

2. Put brussel sprouts and walnuts on a baking sheet or a ceramic dish. Spread the olive oil, maple syrup and garlic over the top then mix with hands. Add a salt and pepper.

3. Cook brussel sprouts till they have a light brown color, about 20-30 minutes. In the last five minutes spread the cheese over the top so it melts. Serve warm.

Embrace the change and also allow the space to grieve, be sad and mourn for what was. Even when you welcome or seek out change you have no control of the true unfolding. Open up to the transformation of your soul and let the judgements of others blend into the background.

The big news at Dash & Drizzle is a baby is on its way. Due in November. Experiencing this new journey is interesting, intimidating, exciting and sometimes I wonder if it is the right time or if we should be doing this. I know it will be a miracle and such a joy but there is many thoughts and emotions swinging around in my head.

Being pregnant also brings up not having my mom here and how I wish I could share this journey with her. I know her spirit surrounds me daily but there is nothing like having someone's physical presence in your life.

The other day I was thinking about what I have learned from my mom and what has made me grateful that she was my mom. I learned to be a strong independent woman which can be a curse and a blessing. She taught me the joy of laughter and gave me my quirky sense of humor. My mom taught me a lot about caring for others. She was a nurse and cared deeply for her patients and fellow coworkers. I saw her attend to children with a host of ailments and elderly individuals. My mom always brought lots of laughter and heart to her work.

My mom loved spending time with all her children and was great at advocating for our needs. She pushed for special accommodations for my brother who has Down's to be in a regular classroom and speech services. She enjoyed supporting my sister at her swim meets and tried her best to be at as many as she could. I found out after she died that she was taking money out of her 401k so we could go to New York so I could check out NYU. She was willing to sacrifice for us.

Of course, not everything my mom did was magical. There are things that I see now that hindered me. These things used to be so hard to admit because when you lose someone all you want to reflect on is their good qualities. I couldn't even approach the challenging qualities she had for a while. Now I can see them and know that she was doing the best she could at the time. I was put in the parent role a lot, she used me as a confidant to talk about my dad and she sometimes made me feel like I was prude because I was forced into being an adult before it was my time. It is terrifying to put these out in the world because I don't want the reflection of my mom to be these. These are the qualities that I want to try to steer clear of with this little man I'm bringing into the world. I know I won't be perfect but I'll be aware.

Sometimes I think about what I would say to my mom if I had her here for one day. That is impossible to know but I know that I would just be present and enjoy every minute of it. I figure she knows who I am and all that I am so it would just be a day of bliss; enjoying her essence.

I've written her letters in the past to connect with her and sometimes talk to her. I know that she is around me. I do hate that I will have to tell my son what she always told me about her dad. "He would of loved you." I never wanted to have to tell my children that. I really wanted them to know you. I felt like I was just getting to know you myself.

I wish I could share this experience with you. Hear your wisdom of becoming a mom and your excitement when you found out we were having a baby. I guess soon I will know the deep love you had for us. I thank you for being my mom. I wouldn't have asked for anyone else to be my mom. I thank you for doing things different. You married my dad after I was born, you gave birth to me at home, you moved from the Ohio and Texas to California and you lived to laugh.

One of my fondest memories of you is when my uncle bought me a huge blow up penguin. It was probably as big as me. You came to pick me up from school in your red jeep with my sister and that giant penguin in the back seat. I wanted to hide from embarrassment as I saw you guys driving up. I got in the car as quickly as possible. I wanted you to speed away to prevent too many people from seeing me, you, my sister and a huge penguin in your jeep. You and my sister were laughing hysterically. I can enjoy this memory now that I'm not a high schooler.

Sometimes when I think I'm doing things "wrong" or not the way the world says I should; I remember you. It is okay to be different, to do life differently. That is definitely something I want to instill in my son because of you. Also, I remember you inviting your coworkers to holidays and I didn't always like it at the time. I remember your coworker from Africa and he was so kind and generous. He also was gracious to come over after you died to bring us food and tell us how much he loved you. I want to instill that kindness, love, generosity and openness in my son. I may not have you on this earth but I get to pass you on.

It still sometimes makes me sad. This weekend it will be sixteen years since you were hit by a drunk driver. Sometimes I forget the day is coming but there is usually emotions around that time even if I am not aware. I thank you for being my mom. Know you are thought about often and there is still a desire to have you here.

Now onto the recipe for this post. It is a simple recipe with avocado, beets and sprouts on delicious sourdough bread. It reminds me that life is simple. We all want a big house, lots of gadgets, artwork and things but what really matters is the time we spend with one another. This is a gift I have learned from losing my mom so young. I don't need to buy my son a lot of things but spending time with him making memories is the greatest gift.

This recipe is inspired by a local cafe called The Pharmacy. I love this toast they make and had to try to do it myself. I thank them for their inspiration.

One thing I love about eating is, it is a great way to connect with others and even ourselves. So many times we are so busy just waiting to move on to the next thing or seeing what everyone is doing on social media that we forget to be present. Sitting down to eat can be an opportunity to enjoy someone's presence because ultimately we never know how long we get.

Ingredients: (4 servings)
4 slices of sourdough bread
2 avocados
1 teaspoon of olive oil + more for drizzling on top
1 garlic clove, minced
1/2 teaspoon of lemon zest & 1/2 teaspoon lemon juice
1 beet, peeled
1/2 cup of vinegar
1/2 cup of sunflower sprouts
Salt and pepper

Instructions:
1.  Place the beet in a pot of water. Bring to a boil and simmer for 20-30 minutes. Let cool and slice thinly. (I used a mandoline to get nice thin slices but you can slice them with a knife too). Once sliced put in a bowl and cover with the vinegar to marinate while you fix the rest of the ingredients.

2. Cut up the avocado into chunks and place in a bowl. Mash then add minced garlic, lemon zest, lemon juice and a 1/2 teaspoon to 1 teaspoon of olive oil (depends on your preference). Add salt and pepper to taste.

3. Toast bread and roughly chop up the sunflower sprouts. (They should still be large chunks or you can also leave them whole).

4. Assemble the toast. Take the pieces of toast, spread with avocado mixture, layer beets on top, sprinkle with sunflower sprouts, drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle salt and pepper. Enjoy!

In honor of my mom I wish you lots of love, laughter and joy!