Lately I haven't been feeling a 100%. This is tough for me, because I love to be "doing". When I'm in motion, I feel like I am a productive person and contributing to society. If I need to take a nap, do less, ignore cleaning, then I feel "less than".

The big area that plagues me is asking for help.

Growing up, I was taught to be self sufficient but my needs weren't always met.  Asking for what I needed or wanted was scary. Most likely, it would be shot down as a bad idea or very unreasonable that I would asking for whatever it was. I guess growing up, my needs weren't really considered because the needs of others were top priority. This taught me to take care of others first, and let my needs be swept aside.

I've been working on getting my needs met and speaking my truth for many years now, but when I am sick or not feeling well, it is still a challenge. I feel like a cry-baby and that I'm absolutely lazy, and when I need to relax and take it easy, I feel I'm just absolutely lazy!

It is funny, I have learned from my boyfriend that if I don't act like I'm sick, or lie around asking for help, then I won't get what I need. Even when I am feeling really poorly, I still try to push myself and it usually backfires. I find myself still whining because he won't help me, but it is really my own fault. I am not communicating that I am sick and the poor guy can't tell.

I actually admire how when he is not feeling well, he can lie down and relax and ask me or others for what makes him feel better. I have to be honest and say I am not the most compassionate when this happens, because I feel I can't be that generous with him, because I can't even let myself slack! He'll take care of cooking and/or cleaning, but I still want to micromanage. I appreciate his directness about me because he'll tell me to go sit down. I've learned a lot from him modeling what I should be doing: relaxing. Isn't that what you do when you are sick?!

How many of us have been trained, taught and encouraged to push through when we are low? Who is that helping? Isn't our body telling us something when we don’t feel well? I know I try to remember my body is communicating to me through discomfort, as maybe it means I have been doing too much and I’m supposed to give myself the chance to relax, instead.

There are little signs our bodies give us every day to take care of ourselves. Our bodies are not machines that are just here to power through. We are lucky to  be here and have bodies that process our food, provide fuel to every cell, give us the sensation of touch, help us solve family, community, global problems, fill us with emotions, and so much more.

This post is about how we can honor our bodies more. This means really listening. Our body speaks to us every day with aches and pains, fatigue, excitement, joy and little whispers of ways we can take care of ourselves. So often we get so involved and wrapped up in our lives that we barely listen to the body we are living in. I believe it is the ultimate gift we have been given, and it should be nurtured.

It has taken me many years to see all this and to know that I deserve to be taken care of. We all deserve care, and the person we can always depend on 100% should be ourselves. We know what we need the best, we are the only ones who can hear our body speak, and we are the ones who can implement any best plan of action.

I like to imagine myself as a child, and think about my body talking to me as a little girl. What type of mom would I be? I would like to think I would get on my knee and say "What do you need?" in a way that communicates I really want to know. She may whisper in my ear, talk to me while tears stream down her face, or with such enthusiasm that I can barely understand what she is saying. I may need to ask again what she needs, or what I can do to help because I don't understand, but I know eventually we will figure out something together.

Our bodies are a precious entity that must be taken care of for as long as we are on this planet. Take the time to listen. Give it a break! Take the time to relax, and release the idea that “doing” is the only thing that makes you valuable. Your heart, mind, actions and words give you value, and each new day is an opportunity to share them.

Now it is time to move onto the recipe. One way I listen to my body is tune in to what my body wants to eat. On this particular day I was wanting those crunchy onions that come in a can but thought I'd attempt to make them myself. They are definitely different but satisfied my desire. Kale is a favorite in my house, at least for me. Hope you find this dish satisfying.

 I love recipes that are simple and don't take a lot of time. This recipe is a fun mixture of crunchy and tangy with makes it a nice addition to any meal or enjoyed by itself.

Ingredients
1 egg
1/2 cup of flour
1 cup of sliced mushrooms
1 bunch of kale, chopped
1 tablespoon of canola oil and olive oil
1 tablespoon of butter
1- 2 teaspoons of balsamic vinegar

Instructions:

1. Slice onion and cut slices in half so you have half moon shapes. Take the egg and put in bowl. Beat egg. Place flour on a plate. Add canola oil to a pan, put on medium heat.

2. Dip a half a ring of onion in the egg then in flour. Repeat. Fill pan up with coated onions. Cook till they have a nice brown color. Flipping throughout to prevent burning. Put a paper towel on a plate and place the onions on top. Set aside till kale is ready. (I felt a half an onion was good but if you like more do the whole onion).

3. Chop kale. Heat a pan on medium, add olive and butter. Once melted add mushrooms. Cook till nice and brown. Then add kale and cook 1-2 minutes, mixing frequently.

4. Once kale is tender but still a nice shade of green. Add a teaspoon of balsamic vinegar and mix well. Taste and see if you would like to add another teaspoon. It should be tangy but not over powering.

5. Put kale and mushrooms on a platter and lay crunchy onions on top. Serve warm.

Take a moment to tune in. Tune into to what you need at this juncture. Know that it might be something you are resistant too but it could be just the thing that takes care of your body, mind or spirit. We often don't take the time to listen to what we need. Every moment is an opportunity. Take just a few minutes to see what your body is waiting to tell you.

I think I was born with a compassionate heart but I'm sure a lot of children are. When I was young I wanted to adopt ten children, become a pediatrician and open up free clinics all over the world. My mom thought I was crazy and would try to reason with me about the all the faults in my plans. All I wanted to be was of service to others.

I unfortunately I didn't accomplish everyone of those goals or reach all those achievements but I like to think I still have that big heart. I do cry a lot at movies, commercials, when people are super nice and of course, when I'm sad. I like to think that means I can empathize with others in humanity. I also babysit foster kids, work with clients who have eating disorders and am always finding ways to help spread love.

I enjoy being that nice friendly soul. I fought it for a long time because I was tired of hearing people say how nice and sweet I was. It was annoying to me because it felt like I had no depth. Also, I was nice to my detriment. It was more from a place of fear that others wouldn't like me. If I let them copy my homework or say yes to whatever they wanted then they would surely like me. It was when I started taking care of myself that things changed. Learning self-care techniques, learning what I truly want, who I am, to say no to things that don't suit me then I could actually be a "REAL" nice person. I could be nice in a way that was genuine.

This world has been an interesting place lately and it makes me wonder where is all the love? It makes me want to be even more loving and kind to people I encounter. Every Christmas Eve where I live I get my neighbors something and leave it outside their door with an attached note saying how much I appreciate living by them. This year I took it one step further and knocked on their doors to give them their gifts. For me this was a little harder because I had to look them in the eyes. My neighbors are awesome but to be honest we don't always engage in many conversations. It is usually just a casual hello here and there.  There is a couple Mexican families that speak small amounts of English, except their kids are avid English speakers, a family from Indian and an African American woman. I knocked on each one of their doors and gave a smile as I said Feliz Navidad or Merry Christmas and thanks for being my neighbor. It was much more profound seeing everyone's surprise and smiles. This is the kind of world I want to live in.

Obviously, I'm not the kindest person in the world and some moments I'm not kind at all but the world is looking for our kindness. The other day I was riding my bike on the sidewalk and I pulled over to let a Hispanic man and his daughter walk by. As the man was starting to pass me he had his head hanging low and didn't make eye contact. Then I said, "hello." He looked up, smiled and said hello back. This situation just made me think about how some people might be fearful in the state we are in. This brings sorrow to my heart.

We are humans first and foremost. I love the diversity that people bring. It warms my heart. There is so much I can learn from others with different stories. This can only happen when we reach out. When me make eye contact and smile, say hello, welcome a neighbor or make a small gesture showing our humanity.

It is interesting how when I start thinking about a subject many opportunities pop up so I can see it in many different lights. This week I shared my story about my life in an Alanon meeting and the topic of judgement came up. People shared how if they saw me on the street they would think I had an easy, amazing life. I can see why they think that. I have a calm, sweet demeanor, dress up every chance I get and exude confidence. This was something I was born with, except the confidence part. On the outside I can seem all put together but really my background was filled with a lot of disappointed and torment. It still creeps in sometimes but I've had many years to change my views. This shows we never know what another person has struggled with or is struggling with.

The real story here is that we are all so similar. We can see the outward appearance of somebody and judge them. Their differences may scare us and make us stir clear of somebody completely dissimilar from us. What if we embraced their differences? Make a little extra effort to get to know somebody that doesn't live the way we do or look the way we do. It can change your life.

It is so easy to surround ourselves in our safe little bubble but when we reach out healing starts. Healing for you and the other person, healing for the town you live in, state, country and world. It may sound silly that one interaction can make such a difference but it can ripple through the world.

I may think the shows my neighbors watch are weird or not understand how they leave the laundry room so dirty. But when I see their birthday parties filled with so much love or the smile on their face when they see their kid I know we are all the same.

I challenge you to find more similarities in others than differences. We live in a world that can sometimes be disheartening and mind-boggling that we could all use a smile from a stranger. Awaken the love inside for people that just want the same as you, to be loved, to be safe and have their needs met.

The matrix of the crust on the veggie bottom quiche reminds me of how we are all intertwined and that is what makes us strong. Our differences. It creates a foundation that can hold the mass of eggs, veggies and cheese. Cooking the quiche creates a firm, cohesive bound that can only be broken with a knife. Showing that our society benefits from the melding of everyone's differences. It can never be broken only transformed into a slice that is given with love. Now onward to veggie bottom quiche.

Ingredients:
1 kohlrabi, shredded
2 carrots, shredded (I used a purple and orange one)
1/2 cup chopped mushrooms
1 onion, chopped, caramelized
1 cup chopped fresh spinach
1 cup shredded cheese (I used fontina)
4 eggs
1/2 cup of milk
1 teaspoon of salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1/4 cup of fresh dill, minced
2 tablespoon of olive oil
1-2 tablespoons of butter

Instructions:
1. Preheat oven to 350˚. Chop onion. Add a 1/2 tablespoon of oil to the pan and add onions. Let them caramelize while you get the rest of the ingredients ready.

2. Shred the kohlrabi and carrots. I use a grater but you can also you the attachment on your food processor to make it easier. Oil bottom of a pie pan, make sure the bottom and sides are covered with oil. (You can also you use butter if you like). Press shredded the mixture of carrots and kohlrabi in the bottom of the pan. Cook for 10 minutes. This is to take some of the moisture out.

3. Once onions are nice and brown add the chopped mushrooms. Add a tablespoon of butter too. Cook for 5-10 minutes, till mushrooms have lost most of their moisture. Set aside.

4. Using a large bowl add eggs and milk. Whisk together. Add the spinach, cheese, salt, pepper and onion/mushroom mixture.

5. Pour on top of the kohlrabi/carrot crust. Cook for 30 minutes, you can put a toothpick in the center and it comes out clean and it is brown on top. Let cool 5-10 minutes. Serve.

As you sit down to eat take a moment to absorb all the people you encountered today. You may not have talked to them but maybe you exchanged a smile or a glance. Try to imagine the diversity that surrounds you in your community and how it benefits you. Maybe there is a Dia de los Muertos celebration you love, you love eating Indian food, you shop at a store that stocks things from around the world or you have a neighbor that you love that is very different from you.

Now imagine if none of that existed. How would your life be? Send a special thanks to the people that are different from you because they make your life richer. This recipe would be bland if it weren't for all the variety of vegetables, spices and cheese. Just like our world would be dull without the many beautiful cultures, religions, traditions and people. I give thanks to you for stopping by.

Darkness can be overwhelming when we see no hope. Where does the light come from? How do we get there? How do we rise? I've been thinking about this as the days get shorter and how the world is showing up right now. The darkness can be oppressing - swirling around making it hard to breath or even get up again.

Mother nature is always a great example. Look at the devastation of a fire. The angry flames burn everything in its sight, engulfing anything  is in its path. A tree will wither from the magnitude of the heat and firey red flames. Come back months later and the ground will still be blackened and stained from the fire, but there will be sprouts of life. Green seedlings start anew, utilizing the blackened earth below for its nutrients.

My heart has been disheartened lately with the state of affairs going on, but I know I need to stay in the solution; the faith and the knowing that lightness will always win out.

I believe we come to this earth to make a difference and change it for the better, at least that is what I feel my mission is. So I take a gander at my past to be reminded that the positive always wins. It may not be visible when you are in the fire, but eventually the light will come peer through to guide you ahead to the triumph.

Reflection- what a gift! When we are in the midst of a firey storm we can't always see how it will serve us. I know there are many times in my life when I saw no hope, or how a certain situation could provide me with wisdom or be just the thing that would turn around and serve someone else.

Rising. We always must rise. Rise above the circumstance, above the judgement, above what we think about ourselves, above what the world tells us. We rise! I see in my own life where I've had to rise many times.

The big mountain was when my mom died. I was 19 and just flaying around in my own life.  Then the bomb of her death put me in a tail spin. It took me many years to rise because I was devestated and didn't think anyone cared any more. The rising was on a daily basis, putting one step in front of the other, slowly finding the beauty in life; stepping into a purpose and a joy.

The bright light shown down on me when I started relating to people that had experienced loss. It gave me compassion I didn't have before she died. It gave me connection with people I wouldn't normally have a deep connection with.  I could relate to the deep, cutting pain, and the longing to have a special person back in your life. Because of that experience,  I am now able to give a gift to others that not everybody can, and that is the gift of understanding, love and compassion in the face of death.

Another triumph of the light was during the trial of the drunk driver that killed my mom. There was anticipation everytime I was waiting outside of the court rooms doors. Mulling in the court room with a group of strangers for a variety of cases I often felt alone and paralyzed. The sudden, great shock when I happened to sit next to the very driver responsible for taking my mom's life. The drop in my heart everytime they postponed the trial. It felt like they were constantly stretching out the agony.

I worked up the courage to actually write a letter saying I forgive the man who's drinking and driving and took my mom's life. Heart ponding, I found him after court. No words of apology slipped off his tongue; just remorse for his ruined life. Definitely not the response I was looking for.

The trial went on for years and he got off, however,  another letter and a call notified us that he was caught drinking and driving again. There was still a stirring of anger in my bones and it was awakened even more when I was asked to come to court and speak in front of the judge. This time a lady fro MADD would be there to support me. What do I say? How to I convey my hurt and pain of losing my mom? Funny thing is I remember going into the courtroom that day and people talking to me. I can still picture standing in front of the judge but the words that came out of my mouth are locked in that time. I do not remember what I said. I did feel triumphant and empowered that I was able to stand up for the justice that I thought he deserved. There was a ray of sunshine that prevailed in my life that day.

The true light came when years later, my dad told me that he got a call saying the man that hit my mom drunk driving was getting out early. Anger rose up in my body, I could feel it in my bones. I was ready to put up my arms and fight. Unfair and unjust, I thought! I talked to the district attorney but his response was so disheartening, he sounded like he had lost all passion for life. I got off the phone feeling defeated. I started recalling the pain of going to court, the emotions it stirred up, the anxiety that it brought to my life. I realized I should lay down and surrender. That man hopefully felt remorse and had time to contemplate what he caused. He may not have any sense of repentance but I cannot change that. I came to comprehend that it created more pain and dispair for me to continue to go to court. Did my mom want me to continue to fight? Did she want me to wrestle with myself and spend my time in court rooms?

I don't think she does, and I surrendered. That was a gift that I do not regret. The positive, always wins, if we look deep enough. We can't always see it when we are blinded by our victimhood, pain, despair, anger, grief, desire for venegance but it is there. It will be revealed at just the right time.

These two stories have taught me that there are different kinds of ways to fight the darkness.

Sometimes it means pushing forward, being willing to step even when our hearts are dragging on the ground. Other times it means stepping back. That the fight is what is holding us back. Standing in the belief that justice will prevail.

There are more stories in my life that I have learned to mine for the wisdom offered. The benefit will somehow appear as we have compassion for each other, just like I am gifted with now after losing my mom. The true gift is manifested when we no longer want to hurt ourselves to see someone else fall.

As I write this fifteen years later, I wish that man well. He will never know how drastically he changed my life but I'm sure it changed his too. I know the light will triumph. I hope to see it more and more in our world. I know it can as we stand together with our hearts bearing our souls, just like that women who stood with me in that courtroom that day.

As people have done in communities for thousands of years, let's share a meal together. The dinner table should be a place of love, of caring, and a way to nourish our souls. I have a special recipe that wraps the lightness and darkness together because we need them both to help our journey unfold.

The recipe below is a comforting coconut based soup with a multitude of vegetables and black rice noodles. The recipe engulfs the balance of yin and yang, showing us that the darkness may be below, but the creamy goodness will always rise to the top!

Happy Winter Solstice!

This recipe is a treat. I love the variety of vegetables and the bounty of colors. It is great on a cold winter night to keep you warm and fill up your belly.

Ingredients:                                                

1 can of full fat coconut milk
2 1/2 cups of vegetable broth
1 stalk lemongrass, cut in 3 pieces
1/2-1 inch of ginger, peeled and sliced
2 garlic cloves, minced
Zest of 1/2 lime
Juice of 1 lime
1 delicata squash, cleaned and cut in chunks with skin left on
1 cup of mushrooms, sliced
4 green onions, chopped
3-4 easter radishes, sliced
1/2 block of extra firm tofu, cut in chunks
2 blocks of black ramen forbidden rice noodles
2 Tablespoons olive oil
1/4 cup cilantro, chopped
salt to sprinkle of vegetables

Instructions:
1. Add coconut milk, veggie broth, lemongrass, ginger, garlic and lime zest to a large pot. Bring to a boil then simmer for 30 minutes. Add tofu to the broth during the last five minutes to warm them up and add flavor to them.

2. Chop delicata squash into small chunks. Add one tablespoon of olive oil to a pan on medium heat, add delicata squash. Sprinkle with salt. Cook till lightly brown and place in a bowl.

3. Bring a pot of water to boil. Add noodles, cook for 5-10 minutes. The water will turn a light shade of black. Drain and place noodles in the bowls you will be serving the soup in.

4. Using the same pan you cooked the delicata, add another tablespoon of oil and the mushrooms. Cook till brown. Put them to the side with the delicata squash.

5. Slice the radishes. Chop the cilantro and green onions.

6. Once the broth is done cooking add it to the bowls with the noodles, removing the lemongrass and ginger slices. Top each bowl with the mushrooms, delicata squash, green onions, easter radishes and sprinkle with cilantro. Squeeze a little lime over each bowl. Serve warm.

Take the time to breath in the smell of your coconut soup and look to this winter solstice for guidance. Reflect on where the light has shown through your life. Maybe there are areas of your life that were riddled with darkness that the light hasn't come through yet. Catch a little glimpse of the that light. Breath out knowing you can be the light of the world.

I've always wished I could be a salty person, dishing out my opinions like nobody's business, but that wasn't how I was born. I was born with a calm, sweet demeanor that can shrink down when threatened. 

If only I could be that swash buckling Zoro type! I would slay my enemies down to size with my words - but in the moment I freeze. This  ties into my recipe of salty delicious homemade pretzels which I'll talk more about later.

The salty side is so attractive. I have been amazed by others saying their thoughts without an ounce of regret and confidence to die for. (At least that is how it seems on the outside.) I used to cast such envy on these "slayers of words." I wanted to be able to be to say what was on my mind so that I could stand up for myself in situations. So many times I have been struck down by someone's words, only to be frozen into submission or just slither away to find myself angered shortly after.

Don't get me wrong, after the negative interaction I thrash my arms around, raise my voice and dish out how I feel, like a card dealer in a casino. Unfortunately, this does me little good  when I am the only one insight.

My envy of these people grew and grew in my life, so much so that I have attracted many Zoro types in my life. Some were  boulders to deal with and others have been a true gift. Even with all this envy, I grew to despise some of these swash buckling tyrants for their harsh words and coarse delivery. I tried to enlist others in my dislike for them, but soon found that through these people I would come to honor myself.

These tyrants were a springboard into getting closer to who I want to be.
They were just the hurdle I needed to start speaking up for myself.

I warn you, I'm still slow to draw my sword at times, and I have to pound out my feelings occasionally before they truly emerge. But the clincher is, I am a lot better at times, and you can hear the swishing of my sword when I am on-point. The best part is, my calm caring demeanor allows for the words to usually come out in a kind, direct way.

It is a similar story of wanting to be like somebody else and wrestling with who I am. A lot of my life I detested who I was. I couldn't see or feel much value. I shunned my personality and most of my traits. Now I find through each of these situations, I get to learn to appreciate myself, as I am. 

I know for sure that more I appreciate my authentic self, then I have the choice to incorporate all the qualities I like in others, just with my own flair! We can "stand up for ourselves" by remaining true to our inner voice. Speaking our truth is our great protector!

I definitely am not the most salty person out there, but now I find my sprinkling of salt just perfect. It could definitely come out a bit more eloquently or a tad sooner sometimes, but we are all a work in progress, right?

Now on to this lovely recipe for fermented sourdough pretzels!  I have been quite enamored with my sourdough starter (that I feed weekly) and am pleasantly surprised by the deliciousness of fermenting flour and water.

Here is another sourdough recipe for your recipe book.

I found this recipe on littehomesteaders.com and it is absolutely amazing! I haven't tweaked the recipe much except for adding different toppings when it's time to cook them. These are so delicious right out of the oven and just as great the next day or for the rest of the week.

Ingredients:

2 Tablespoons of butter
2 Tablespoons sugar (divided)
1 Cup of hot water
1 1/2 Cups starter
2 teaspoons sea salt
3 Cups Organic all-purpose flour
1 Cup of pastry flour
1/4 Cup baking soda
1 egg

Toppings: Sea salt, truffle salt, parmesan cheese, garlic powder, cinnamon and sugar or whatever your heart desires

Instructions:
1. In a large bowl, mix butter and 1 tablespoon of sugar in the hot water.

2. Add starter to water mixture. Add flour and mix well. (I like to add a cup of flour at a time and mix it until all the flour has been added.)

3. The dough will be pretty stiff. Take the dough out of the bowl and put it on a floured surface and begin to knead. Knead for a couple minutes until the dough is smooth and stiff.

4. Oil a large bowl and place dough in it. Allow dough to rise for at least two hours.

5. Once dough has risen punch down and place on a floured surface. Knead a few times.

6. Roll dough into a log and cut into about 16 pieces for large pretzels or 32 pieces for mini pretzels. (I went for the large pretzels.)

7. Roll each piece into a long strip and form into a pretzel shape. (This took me a little bit to get a good pretzel shape down so my first few looked like blobs.)

8. Bring a large pot of water to boil. Add 1 tablespoon of sugar and the baking soda. Stir carefully.

9. Add a few pretzels in the water and poach for about a minute. Remove from water and allow to drain on cooling rack. (I had trouble with mine falling through the cooling rack so I just placed them on the greased baking sheet.)

10. Preheat oven to 450˚. Place pretzels on a greased baking sheet. Beat one egg and brush each pretzel with the egg. Sprinkle pretzels with salt or other things mentions above. (I enjoyed using a variety of flavors on the pretzels since it makes a large amount of them. We tried truffle salt, parmesan cheese and garlic powder which were all great.) Bake for 15 minutes or till golden brown.

Enjoy these hot homemade pretzels! Let the saltiness satisfy you and be enamored with your degree of saltiness. It may be a little or a lot but it is just perfect for you. Too many times we wish we were different or like somebody else. Know that your spice can be a teacher. If you desire to be saltier, know that as you grow to speak up more for yourself that you can do so in a powerful but gentle way. The extra salty are just teaching you stand up for yourself. If you are a swash buckling tyrant you have a gift that others value, the ability to say what you need. You may learn something from the less salty in giving way for a little gentler touch when presenting you opinion.

The best part is we are all learning and life is just a taste test. Maybe somebodies pretzel looks so tantalizing but it doesn't have the same spice, tang or sweetness as yours. That's when you bite in and know yours is just perfect for you.

I would love to hear from you about how my little story touched you or how the recipe was! It is a honor that you stopped by!

Sometimes I wish my life was a book and I could rip all the pages I didn't want out. It would feel so satisfying. I could rewrite all the chapters I didn't like and mold my life into the exquisiteness I always imagined.  But life isn't a book; the pages are cemented there and they made me who I am today. Sometimes I hate that whole idea,though. People say if you didn't have all those life experiences you wouldn't be the same person you are today, but I believe that deep inside, I am who I am.

My birthday lingers in the background of my mind. Only a few days away, which also means my mom's birthday is coming,too. If  you've read previous posts you'd know my mom died when I was nineteen, and I've been without her for fifteen years. It doesn't always make our birthdays easier.  Sometimes I even have the thought that it isn't fair that some people get to have their grandparents for so long when I only got to have my mom for so little time. It feels dirty to just say that. Shameful even. I guess that is what loss does to you. Makes you wish there was a way to bargain, even after all these years.

This brings me to think about how much life have I wished away? Countless minutes, hours, days and maybe months. How often we wish our life was totally different. I know I get stuck in that cycle. I still feel pressure that I should own a house by now, have a B.A., a masters, children, traveled the world, working full time in my profession, a better car and maybe, a total different life!

We wish our struggles weren't ours. I wish I had a more supportive family, that my mom was still here, that my dad didn't drink so much, but those are my lessons. They suck at times but other times I see the gifts. They aren't always bold,in-my-face blessings. They are usually hidden under a massive pile I have to dig out.

When do we find the sweet spot? The silky, smooth life melting spot. The place where we feel our life is beautiful, that we are accomplished just for making it through our life lessons, that we have enough because we ARE enough and blessed because we get to be here another day.

How do we get there?

One moment at a time -and patting ourselves on the back. Has anyone told you lately you are amazing? That life isn't always kind but you are doing a swimming job? The best person to tell ourselves this, is ourselves! Too often it is easier to pick out our faults and where we would like to be rather than give ourselves the love we really need.

We don't get to choose our lessons, or the way life weaves our despair with a speckling of diamonds. I know I wouldn't have chosen any of my hardships if I was asked. I guess that is why we aren't apart of the committee of life lessons. If we could look back at ourselves on the wild, twisted, dark, beautiful, daunting, joyous journey we were on, we would see a glimmer of hope every time. There were points when we weren't sure we could handle anymore that we groveled on our knees with despair. Though scrapped up and battered, we started to see something glistening ahead. It was a gift. It wasn't wrapped in a bow or even easy to see. It was something that we had to dig for and polish. We knew it was there because every once in a while, the blazing sun would reveal a twinkle. Cupping our hands with a gem in the center; there was some hope. Getting up, you actually thank the world around you.

It was just what you needed to keep going.

If I had you over today for sourdough pancakes with  blackberry syrup I'd tell you your life is beautiful. It may not look like other people's or even what you hoped for or imagined, but it was especially made for you. I'd peer in your eyes and hold your hand  while telling you, "I hope you always know that your soul is strong and you are amazing."

I may always miss my mom but she has given me a gift. On September 18th I will celebrate Debbie Williams' Day. I will thank my mom for being my mom and all the love she gave me. I will thank this universe of ours for the all the gifts I didn't know I would benefit from. I will thank myself for continuing to move forward even when it seems impossible.

Today take a moment to find that sweet spot. The spot where your life is juicy, oozing with love for just being you and stepping forward each day.

Now lets make some pancakes and syrup to compliment soaking in our sweet spot!

This recipe is inspired by King Arthur's flour website. I altered it a little with using almond or coconut milk and apple cider vinegar to make it into "buttermilk." I usually add a little vanilla extract too. This is a wonderfully fun recipe because I love seeing the bubbles brewing even after you first mix the starter and set it out for the night! I was lucky enough to get a started from a friend, but you can also look on the internet to find how to make one or find a friend that has one.

Ingredients:
Overnight Sponge
2 cups of Organic Unbleached Flour
2 Tablespoons sugar
2 cups of Almond/Coconut Milk with 2 teaspoons of apple cider vinegar (this is how you make it into buttermilk or you are welcome to use buttermilk)
1 cup of sourdough starter, unfed

Pancake Batter
all the overnight sponge
2 large eggs
1/4 cup of vegetable oil
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Instructions:
1. To make the overnight sponge: Pour the almond milk in a bowl with apple cider vinegar. Let sit while you get the rest of the ingredients ready. In a large bowl add the flour and sugar. Pour in the starter and "buttermilk" (almond milk with apple cider vinegar); mix all ingredients.(Use a large bowl because the sponge because it will grow overnight.) 

2. Cover the sponge and let rest at room temperature overnight.

3. In the morning, take a small bowl and beat together the eggs and oil. Add to the overnight starter.

4. Add the salt and baking soda, mix to combine. This is really fun the batter will start bubbling.

5. Warm a pan on medium heat. I like to use a cast iron pan and put oil in the bottom and rub it around with a paper towel. This ensures you don't have too much oil on the skillet. Use a ladle or measuring cup to pour the batter in the pan.

6. The way I tell it is time to flip the pancake is when the top has a lot of bubbles that have popped and it isn't gooey any more. Flip, let it cook for a few minutes. Flip again to check it is done. Repeat. Then enjoy! This recipe makes about 24 medium pancakes. So you can possibly have pancakes for a few days.

This is a wonderfully easy recipe and utterly delicious! Use it on the pancakes above, in yogurt, oatmeal or anyway you want to! You can leave it chunky or get a smooth syrup by blending and straining. A word of caution: learn from my mistake; if you blend this portion it out or it may explode all over your kitchen. My boyfriend and I had great fun cleaning it up.

Ingredients:
3 cups of blackberries; fresh or frozen
1 cup of sugar
1 Tablespoon of lemon juice
1 cup of water

Instructions:
1. Add blackberries, sugar, lemon juice and water to a medium pot over medium heat. Bring to a boil, stirring occasionally. Boil for two minutes then remove from heat and allow to cool a little before blending or serving.

2. This step is optional if you want chunky blackberry syrup. Blend the syrup in batches until smooth. Then strain using a cheesecloth or fine mesh strainer. Discard the seeds. Serve up with your pancakes.

You can store this in your refrigerator for up to two weeks in an air tight container.

My hope is that you enjoy these recipes while finding your SWEET SPOT! A place where you honor yourself and all that you have done in your life. A spot where you find the sweetness of the moment even if it isn't exactly how you want it to be.

I would love to hear from you! Tell me about how your find your sweet spot in your life or how you changed/loved/enjoyed the recipe above! Thanks for being apart of my world!